I've been running everyday on vacation. I'm not sure who I am either, but whenever people tell me I have become a runner I always look at them and say, "no, I'm not a runner, I'm too slow. I'm not good at running. I just run. I'm not a runner."
I do that sometimes. A lot. I tend to shortchange myself. Even at BlogHer. I asked a question and the speaker gave me a weird look and I said "I'm not making sense am I?" I undermine myself. Too much.
People call me pretty sometimes and instead of saying thank you, I say no. I argue with them. "But my arms, and my hair, and my legs. I'm too heavy. I'm not pretty."
I've never seen myself as pretty. I've been the pretty girl's best friend and the popular girl's best friend and the smart one and the funny one and the cute one, but the pretty one? No. That's never been me.
But it kept happening at BlogHer. I've read recaps and pictures posted on twitter and the comment that came a lot was pretty, and what kept running through my head was "are they insane? Because I'm not pretty."
There is a song on my running mix (yes I have a running mix, I know that means I'm probably a runner) that I've become obsessed with. It's not a great song, and it is not even a great running song, but the lyrics speak to me in so many ways. When I was in college, turning myself inside out for the wrong boy, "you're amazing just the way you are" would have moved mountains.
I've done this since I was a kid. Pick one song and listen to the song constantly. And right now, this is the song. It is in my running mix right after my warm up and right at the time when I need to really run. And I do. Every time.
Doug loves me. I never, ever doubt that. He loves me fat or thin. I don't run for him, or work out for him, or struggle with how I look for him. I never have. The thinnest I ever have been was after we met.
This is about me. About getting to a place where I believe in me. What I look like. What I can do. Just the way I am.
I'm at a point in my life where I want to change, not just how I look, but who I am. And to do that I need to believe in myself. What is holding me back from the change is me. I want to leave my job and make a huge big colossal scary change. And I have always done the safe, right thing. But that doesn't mean I'm happy. I'd like to be happy. And confident. And believe in myself.
I admire people so much who make life leaps. Who find what they want to do and never look back. It all comes from a places of confidence I've never had and I'm not sure how to get there. I'm going to start by saying this:
Since turning 30 my skin has been a mess. I think it is because I went off the pill to have a baby, went back on, and then changed birth control again. (Sorry, my four male readers.) But the thing is, I'm sick of it. I'm 35, not 16, and acne is just unacceptable. I've been to the dermatologist, I've tried a million and a half products, and nothing, no, nothing has worked.
I've been running and working out and losing weight, and I still hate the way I look. I know, it is stupid, but I do. And cover up and foundation and make up can only do so much. I want clear skin.
I'm contemplating spending way too much money on the Clarisonic cleaner. A woman at my office swears by it. I was talking about it on twitter last night and it received nothing but glowing reviews. I've read every review on Sephora and Ulta and Amazon. Doug is telling me just to buy the thing so we don't have to talk about it anymore. But if I spend $200 and it doesn't work, I'm really going to be pissed.
You all were so kind when I asked for makeup recommendations. I never had bad skin as a teenager and I'm so not loving it now. I'm not going the accutane route because I'm already sun sensitive from the Lupus. So, besides that, tell me, what skin routines work for you? My skin is really sensitive and apparently, prone to break outs. I've tried, Philosophy, Murad, Nutrogena, AcneFree, Juice, DDF, Boscia, and Dermalogica.
And, if you have the Clarisonic, is it worth it? Did it solve your problems with breakouts? Because I'm seriously having to restrain myself from running to the mall and going to Sephora and getting it right now. The only thing that is stopping me is that it is raining. And it would be a pain. And the $200.
About a year ago I started to make some significant changes to my diet. Well, it is probably longer than that. Two years ago I gave up diet coke and I think that was harder than giving up crack. I'm not sure, I've never given up crack, but it was pretty damn hard. From there I gave up white flour, and almost all processed foods.
And then, we did the hard thing. We went almost all organic. And no food dye. Yes, it is expensive. But it is not an expensive as you would think it would be. You don't have to just shop at Whole Foods, although I shop there a lot. You can also shop at Harris Teeter, My Organic Market, and even Target.
I have to tell you, my life changed for the better when this change was made. My weight, which I had always struggled with, stabilized. Michael's behavior changed, for the better. My skin cleared up. I felt better.
This change seems drastic and preachy. And granola crunchy. And I'm not the crazy mom who will not let her kid have ice cream or cake at a birthday party. We eat all organic IN MY HOUSE. I recognize that not everyone else does and we also eat out. Michael also eats like a normal 5 year old boy and is allowed the occasional treat.
I highly recommend the book The Unhealthy Truth. It will scare the living daylights out of you about what is in your food and will give you good tips on how to make the change in a cost efficient manner. I live by the 80/20 rule. If you can eat well 80% of the time, it is okay for the other 20% of the time to be not so good. I still love wine. And cupcakes.
Stoneyfield* has been a big part of our movement towards organic. The food is good, and affordable, and accessible. They also have a great organic living section on their website. Stoneyfield was kind enough to supply me with a prize pack to giveaway to a reader. It includes something for you and a child in your life:
Top, left to right: Oikos tote bag, YoKids superhero cape
Middle,
left to right: Oikos spatula, Stonyfield lunch bag, Eric Carle growth
chart, Preserve travel bowl with lid, Stonyfield measuring spoon (under
bowl)
Bottom: recipe cards, coupons
To enter, please leave a comment telling me what you have done or hope to do to lead a more organic or healthy lifestyle. The contest is open until Sunday at 5. A winner will be announced Monday morning and will be picked by some random method I have not decided yet.
****I was not compensated for this post. Stoneyfield provided me with coupons for their products (which I already used) and will be sending the prize pack to the winner.
We threw a baby shower at work yesterday, for a colleague. The kind of casual affair that involves punch and cake and gifts. Really, an excuse to take a break for an hour and eat cake. I was in charge of decorations. I wore a skirt to work yesterday which was probably not my smartest move. Especially when I decided to hang a banner from the ceiling.
I decided to hike my skirt up, stand on a chair and hang the banner from the ceiling. And of course, I closed the door to the conference room first. And this really isn't a big deal because I work with one man, there is one man on my team. What are the chances he was walking into the conference room at that exact moment.
You know where this is going, right?
As I am standing there, skirt hiked up past my knees, trying to hang the banner from the ceiling, this one man walks into the conference room. "Hey Jodi, where do the gifts go...um, do you need help with that?"
I was like, "get out of here, NOW." I scared him so much he never came back to the shower. I had to hunt him down to tell him it was okay to come back in the conference room. He could barely look me in the eye.
But the banner turned out pretty good. At least that was something.
This summer seems like one endless loop of heat. It started in May and has never stopped. One day melts into the next and it is all 100 degrees, 100 percent humidity with maybe a chance of a late afternoon thunderstorm. Rinse, repeat. Too hot to go outside. Too hot to sleep. Too hot to do anything but sit on the couch and complain about the heat. It is so pedantic to complain about the weather but we are all walking around saying "hot enough for you?" and "and you thought the snow was bad?" I spent 10 minutes yesterday thinking about running a 5k in New York City in August. I can't because it is full, but the thought it was going to be 100 degrees did also cross my mind.
Yes, I actually considered doing the BlogHer 5k. Doug hysterically laughed at me. Because he was the one who told me when I started couch25k I would run a 5k. And I was like no, no, no I won't. Because this is just about teaching me how to run. I don't want to actually run a 5k. Except yesterday I kind of thought about it. And he was all "told ya." But alas, it was not meant to be. I'm not sure I'm sorry about that. But he is convinced I will actually some day soon, run a 5k. And then a 10k. He is out of his mind.
So this is my life right now. Complaining about the heat and complaining about running. It is not so interesting. Except for, you know, the other stuff.
****Anybody notice anything new around here? Anything at all?
Vacation was lovely, even though we left a day early because it poured on Saturday and we had to get back early on Sunday for SOMEONE'S birthday party. A Somebody I have been friends with for 20 years. Who now lives 5 minutes from me. The person who sheltered me from the cold.
We packed it up and called it a day. Vacation was over. We got to spend some quality time just the three of us, as well as hang out with my parents, both of which were fantastic, and generally just chill. There was also quality beach time.
Coming home from vacation is always the worst for me. Laundry and sorting mail and unpacking. Doug and Michael were unpacked before I had made a dent. It is possible I brought too much stuff. And I'm working today, even though I don't normally work Mondays because tomorrow is Michael's preschool graduation. Stepping up ceremony they call it, because he is "stepping up" into Kindergarten. I'm sure there will be NO TEARS. From Doug. I never cry. The man balled at Toy Story 3. In the movie theater and then on the way home, just thinking about the movie. I tried very hard not to laugh at him. I don't think I succeeded.
And then, because I just took off work because of vacation, I'm taking off again because school is closed while they "turn over" for camp. I have no idea how I scheduled this either. It's a good thing I have an understanding boss. And furlough days.
I'm not entirely sure what we are doing with our days home. It is rare that Michael and I have "stay at home" days. He is normally in school or camp at least for part of the days. Maybe I'll check out some of the activities I always see listed on Jessica's site. Or crash Camp Stimey.
So tell me, how do you fill your hot summer days at home?
I don't think I tell you all how awesome you are enough. Or ever. Your comments on yesterday's post made me cry. The fact that you care so much about me, and Michael, and our choices and our success is amazing. I am constantly told when I go to blog events by PR people how I have the best readers. How engaged they are and they always come back and comment and CARE. And you guys? YOU DO. I could not have gotten through the madness without you. Maria, who writes her own incredible story thanked me for sharing this story. And no, THANK YOU. For reading. And caring. With all the choices every day of who to read and who to care about I never forget that you choose to read me.
Did I just win an Oscar or something? Ok, moving on.
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So anyway, we leave on vacation tomorrow and there is laundry to do and bags to pack and we are going to the beach for 10 DAYS!!!!!!10 DAYS of choices like beach or pool and beer or wine and I'm going to teach my parents how to make my alcoholic milkshake. I'm going to eat crabs and read books. And maybe not on the iPad but an actual book. LIKE WITH PAPER. I know, who knew?
So posting will be light because I'M NOT EVEN BRINGING MY LAPTOP. Now, don't get crazy or anything. I will have my iPad and my iPhone and Doug will have his ultra inferior non MAC PClike laptop so I could post something if I wanted to. There may be beach or pool pictures. We will see. There will always be Shoe Friday.
I'll probably be on twitter. I'm always on twitter. And Words With Friends.
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I got my haircut. And it looks totally different. And no one has said anything about the fact that it looks totally different. And I think this must mean that it looks completely awful and everyone is afraid to tell me? Or no one has noticed? Because why would people notice my hair?
And no, I'm not posting a picture because I hate all pictures of me automatically. There are maybe like 2 pictures I have ever seen where I don't like completely awful. You will just have to see me in person to see the new hair. Which I may like or hate, I have not decided yet. I keep waiting for other people's opinions. Because I am that fickle.
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Have you seen the amazingness that is the new MamaPop? If not, run, don't walk to the new site. It is shiny and pretty and Tracey worked her butt off getting it that way. I just show up and write stuff there. I take no credit for how the place looks or runs.
But go. Say something nice about how pretty it is. Please?
In order to continue my quest to turn this into a happy homemaker blog, (what, would I lose you?), yesterday I baked a crap load of lemon squares for Michael's school bake sale. From scratch. Like scratch, scratch. Not scratch from a mix. And while I tend to be decent cook baking is not my forte.
And really? Bake-sale? In pre-k? I thought I didn't have to deal with this PTA nonsense until he started elementary school. But no, there I was last night baking AND cooking dinner at the same time. And I was not drinking. And I managed to complete both tasks successfully.
I'm starting to be a little afraid of myself. I don't clean and bake and fold laundry and run and go to work all in the same week. I'm not even sure I do that all in the same month. I'm turning into this superwoman overachiever and I think I need to sit down and drink some wine and write some posts about Speidi.
In other news Michael is reading. Site words and sounding out words. Doug has developed this whole game with him where he writes out a treasure map and Michael sounds out the words to find the hidden treasure. He then has to re-write the words to help him with handwriting. Maybe Doug can take on teachmama? (Just kidding, I adore Amy and read her religiously.) (It sounds lame but Michael is way into it and he doesn't think writing letters is such a chore.)
Can I now officially say, SUCK IT OLD SCHOOL WHO TOLD ME MY KID WOULD NEVER READ? No? Fine, I'm over it.
I ended the night with a Bailey's Irish Cream Godiva White Chocolate Liqueur milk shake. I totally made this thing up and it is awesome. And fattening. But man, I totally deserved it.
I have been wearing Bare Escentuals for more than 5 years. And before that I wore Bobbi Brown. And for a while I adored Bare Escentuals. But lately, not so much. I'm breaking out like a teenager, at 35, and that is not so fun. And I've decided it is the makeup's fault. Also, I'm just kind of over it. I've switched to Benefit but I'm not loving that either. So I'm doing what everyone does, I'm turning to the internet for advice.
Do you love your makeup? Why? Do you hate it? Why? Please tell me what to buy.
Here is what you need to know-
I have very sensitive skin. And I tend to break out. I really can't wear makeup that is heavily perfumed.
My skin is fairly light in color.
I'd like it to be available at Ulta or Sephora, I tend not to shop at Department Store cosmetic counters.
Lines I have worn in the past and discarded include, MAC, Bobbi Brown, Bare Escentuals, Benefit, and Clinique (Ok, fine, I'm picky.)
My foundation has to include a sunscreen because of the Lupus.
I'm a girlie, girl. I like make up, I wear make up everyday, but I don't wear SO MUCH MAKE UP. I also have a fairly conservative job so I can't wear green and purple eyeshadow and bright red lipstick. I tend to stick to neutral colors for day and just go darker at night. I know, I'm boring. I've heard that somewhere before.
Yesterday I did something that a month ago I never imagined was possible. Hell, yesterday, 20 minutes before I did it I didn't think it was possible.
I ran, solidly, for 20 minutes. I didn't stop. I didn't even try to stop. I didn't slow down. In fact, at one point, I sped up.
For all you runners out there I know this was not a big deal. I barely ran two miles.
When I started Couch 2 5k I gave myself a week, maybe 2 before I gave up. Because to be honest, I'm not so good at things that are hard. (Hmmm, I wonder where Michael gets that one.) When I had a trainer I cheated all the time. And I work out a lot, but I don't do anything that is really super duper hard.
I have been complaining endlessly about this 20 minute run. To Doug, on Twitter, to anyone who would listen. And you all were just so lovely. Giving me tips, cheering me on. And I finally just sucked it up and did it. Put my headphones on and ran. Turned the iPhone around, never looked at the clock on the treadmill, starred straight ahead, and rocked out to the music.
It was hard, and it sucked, but it I did it. And truth be told, it was not nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I don't really want to think about the fact that next week I am running for 30 minutes.
I'm not exactly sure why I am continuing to do this. I have no interest in running an actual 5k. At this point I just want to prove to myself that I can.
And also, to teach Michael that when something is hard, we still try. I still try.
