Dear Woody

by Jodifur on June 19, 2013

Dear Woody the woodpecker who has decided to destroy my home,

Look, you seem like a very nice woodpecker and everything, but my house is like 10% wood, and do you have to poke holes in it?  And if you HAVE to poke holes in it, do you have to start the annoying, and very loud, TAP, TAP, TAP, at 6:00 am?  Can’t you sleep in?  At least once?

I have googled how to get rid of woodpeckers.  Did you know woodpeckers are endangered and you can’t kill them?  Because that was my first choice.  Remember the squirrel?  I payed millions of dollars not to kill that stupid squirrel, I’m not going to kill a woodpecker although it is really damn tempting.

Woodpeckers are apparently afraid of ceramic owls and tin foil.  Yes, check, tried it, doesn’t work.  Any other suggestions?

There is the incredibly frightening spider thingie for sale on amazon. Birds-Away Attack Spider.  I’m tempted by it, but I’m terrified of spiders, a little too much to hang this from my house.

And then there is this animal, I’m not even sure what it is, that makes noise and keeps me up all hours of the night.  It might be a frog, it might be a bird, but it is so fucking loud it is impossible to sleep.  I live in the suburb of a major city.  I do not live in the wilderness.  I refuse to go camping for a reason.

I hate nature.  And home ownership.



april June 19, 2013 at 8:40 am

There was a very tall (30 feet?) dead pine in my neighbor’s yard where the woodpecker lived. It was the woodpecker tree.

During this past tropical storm, Andrea, the pine came down on the neighbor’s back porch. I’m sorry for them, but I’m also worried about where the woodpecker is going to start living – and peckering – now (although I haven’t heard it lately – maybe it was in the tree at time of felling?)
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Claud Heddleson June 19, 2013 at 9:20 am

Yeah, nature can be scary sometimes and I can’t even think about spiders, sorry :)
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Kelli Oliver George June 20, 2013 at 10:13 am

In our cozy suburb, we battle squirrels, opossums and even deer show up on a major road near us (it is not uncommon to see carcasses in the fall) and! we have a FOX. No kidding. A FOX. GAH.
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Issa June 20, 2013 at 3:58 pm

I hate hate them. I had one at my last house. However that one was pecking on the metal siding. Turns out that is what they do to attract a mate!!! Wheeeeee.

LOUD music can detract them. But that is the only think I’ve heard. Personally I wanted to shoot it.

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