Dear Woody the woodpecker who has decided to destroy my home,
Look, you seem like a very nice woodpecker and everything, but my house is like 10% wood, and do you have to poke holes in it? And if you HAVE to poke holes in it, do you have to start the annoying, and very loud, TAP, TAP, TAP, at 6:00 am? Can’t you sleep in? At least once?
I have googled how to get rid of woodpeckers. Did you know woodpeckers are endangered and you can’t kill them? Because that was my first choice. Remember the squirrel? I payed millions of dollars not to kill that stupid squirrel, I’m not going to kill a woodpecker although it is really damn tempting.
Woodpeckers are apparently afraid of ceramic owls and tin foil. Yes, check, tried it, doesn’t work. Any other suggestions?
There is the incredibly frightening spider thingie for sale on amazon. Birds-Away Attack Spider. I’m tempted by it, but I’m terrified of spiders, a little too much to hang this from my house.
And then there is this animal, I’m not even sure what it is, that makes noise and keeps me up all hours of the night. It might be a frog, it might be a bird, but it is so fucking loud it is impossible to sleep. I live in the suburb of a major city. I do not live in the wilderness. I refuse to go camping for a reason.
I hate nature. And home ownership.