Yesterday was a hard day. I expected it to be hard, I knew that the dc moms had planned for us to devote a day to Susan, but I didn’t know all of you would be so kind. Of course you would be kind, you had always been kind. But every time I opened my computer there were email messages and facebook messages and twitter messages and internet hugs. You guys, oh my g-d you guys. You virtually got me through yesterday. (I’m still going through my email, I’m sorry if haven’t replied yet.)
And yesterday included this ridiculous legal research project that I keep going around in circles with and I keep coming back to no as the answer. I can’t get to the why the answer is no. And that is not good. And all I wanted to do was close my office door and cry.
After work I wanted to dive head first into a bottle of wine. But I didn’t. Because I’m strangely committed to my detox diet. Instead I went for a run. It was a sunny, chilly day in Washington, and I strapped my sneakers on, headphones blaring, and I remembered why I loved running in the first place. Because I get out of my own head. And I listen to really bad music.
All of a sudden “SOS” by Abba came on. (I know, I listen to Abba when I run. I’m sorry.)
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
And it suddenly hit me, that trying to get myself to stop being reminded of Susan was not the way to go. I was always going to be reminded of Susan. Because she was that much of a powerful influence on my life. And she always will be. Dresden called it her still winking at me and I love that.
I look forward to Saturday night to getting together with my friends to remember.
(This post is the most widely read of anything I’ve ever written. Which means all of you want to remember her too. I love that.)