12 Things I May Have Learned On My Vacation

1.  10% of girls “go for pirates.”  That piece of knowledge is courtesy of my 10 year old nephew who is just starting to be interested in “dating,”  Apparently, in order to get a 10 year old girl, you have to be a pirate.  Or maybe a viking.  I’m still trying to figure it out.

2.  The best way to get a girl is with Strawberry Fields Tic Tacs.  Also, courtesy of my 10 year old nephew.

3.  Homework is not so bad when you can do it from the balcony of your cruise ship.

4.  I am terrified of heights.  I am not so afraid of heights I won’t do a zip line.

5.  10 am is way too late to open the pool bar on the ship.  I counted down the minutes every day. 10 am is also too late to open up the free ice cream on the ship. I know this because Michael started asking for ice cream every morning at 8 am. About the same time I wanted a bloody mary.

6.  If your ship has a knock off Build A Bear your kid will want one.  It will be a total rip off and will split open the next day, causing you to go back to knock off Build A Bear, aptly titled “Pets At Sea” and your pet will require “surgery.” (They actually just hand you a new one, shhhh…)  This will immediately become your child’s favorite stuffed animal in the whole world.  It will rip again the minute you get home.  Damn you Pets At Sea.

7.  If you sit on an alligator, and oh g-d why would you ever do this, don’t step on it’s feet, because it will kill you.  Which is just what you want the alligator trainer to tell your child right before your child and your nephew are about to sit on an alligator.  All I could think about was the Kimono Dragon who almost killed Sharon Stone’s ex-husband.

8.  If you put a bar in the middle of a cruise ship and you somehow make it go up and down, your child will name it the “floaty” bar and demand to visit it every day. And you will never say no because the bartender makes the best mojito on the ship. But that may just be a rumor. That didn’t actually happen to me or anything.

9.  Michael will decide to do things like climb the rock wall every single time I did not have my camera.  Every single time.

10.  It is a MUSTER station and not a MUSTARD station.  It means to gather, and has nothing to do with the condiment.  Someone may have corrected me, a lot. Also, it is important to look cool at the MUSTER station.

11.  Michael takes better pictures than me.  (Still MUSTERING.)

12.  I have the most adorable family.