Things are finally settling down around here. Doug picked up the car yesterday, he has a job, Michael is doing wonderfully in 1st grade, I haven't seen an ant in weeks, and yet, I feel like I spend my days waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things can not be going ok. It seems somehow impossible for me not to be managing a crises every minute. The last 3 months, really longer, have been so crises orientated that every time the phone rings I expect some other mass casualty.
And yet, there isn't one. But still, life feels, unsettled. And maybe this is what being a grown up is. Always worried, always moving, never quite complete. I'm not sure I can really explain the feeling, but it feels like the bottom is going to drop out of my life any minute.
We went from this incredibly stressful and tense kindergarten year where every time the phone rang I jumped because I knew there was a problem, to a relaxing beginning of the summer. I remember being honestly truly happy on vacation in July, and when we got home, Doug was laid off. And now, I almost feel like I'm afraid to breath out. Because every time I breath out, something else happens.
I had lunch with the wonderful Jean yesterday, and she said "it is like you have been in constant stress since Michael broke his hand," and I said "I often think about what life would be like if that one event didn't happen," like if I could dial back the clock and just stop that one thing from happening, it would stop and change the events that got us to here. That that one event was the catalyst for everything else. Yes, it makes no sense, but I'm not sure anything else makes any more sense.
And then I think all I really need is a vacation. Just to go somewhere and lay on a beach and drink a mojito and not think. A real vacation where people wait on you and bring you drinks and I wouldn't check my email and I could sleep late and run on the beach.
I hear myself think these things and realize how good I have it. I have a roof over my head and food to eat and my husband has a job, after only being unemployed for 10 weeks. We are lucky! Lucky! Just read the paper. The economy is terrible. People are losing their houses and starving. Yet I'm whining about my lack of vacation time.
I sound like a brat.
I just don't feel very lucky.