Better

Michael's verdict on first grade has been things like "awesome" and "I think I'm better at first grade than kindergarten."  I wanted to tell him there were very good reasons for that, but instead I told him it was because he was growing up and he knows what school expects from him now.  He also told me he thinks his new teacher has "more patience."  

We thinks our kids don't know, but they do.

I think one of the hardest parts about being a parent is to watch your kids out in the world and to know that they are trying and failing, sometime due to no fault of their own.  You can yell and scream and fight the system, but in the end, you can only do so much.  There is no doubt in my mind that Michael got the teacher he got because of what we went through last year.  And while it gives me no assurances, I also know that showing up everyday, and yelling, and making sure my voice got heard, and by proximity, Michael's, meant something.  It is also sad that in order for anything to get done, I had to yell.

But what it did to Michael, well, I guess I'm still really finding out.  He tells me he loved kindergarten, but then every once in a while, a sentence will slip out about something and I'll think, he realy doesn't realize what he just said.  About his teacher, or the class, or what so and so said to him and what his teacher did.  Over the summer my parents commented on how happy he seemed, how self assured and grown up.  And how sad he was last year.  And I'm not sure I all together agree with that statement, I don't think he was sad all of last year, but I do think there were things that happened that made him sad, that I probably never noticed, I was so caught up in the fight.

I remember saying to his principal last year, at some point, in these marathon phone arguments we would have "all the adults are fighting and what we seem to be forgetting about is that there is a 6 year old boy suffering.  No one wants to talk about that.  I want to talk about that.  Not who is right and who is wrong.  But Michael.  Let's talk about Michael."

Maybe I got through, maybe I didn't.  I like to think I did.  But the cynical part of me thinks they just wanted me to shut up.