Last week was soul crushing. It was one of those weeks where you take everything that is wrong in your life and you magnify it and it all comes together at one time. I felt as if I was drowning and couldn't get my head above water. The reasons were vast and varied and most, if not all, are unbloggable. I'm not happy at work, there are some personal interpersonal relationship stuff going on (Doug and I are fine, I promise), and Michael has been getting in trouble at school again.
Sometimes I feel as if my worry for Michael will swallow me whole. That the days and weeks and months I spend worrying about him will never cease and my life will be spent worrying about him to no avail. (I suspect all parents feel this way actually.) But last week was particularly bad. At least once a day I turned to Doug and said, "will he ever just be ok?" Like parenting is some kind of destination. I know my readers with older children will laugh at that, because I know teenagers are a mess as well, but I swear if I survive this year I will buy myself something big and sparkly and pretty. (Oh, hi, Doug.)
By Friday afternoon I was alternating between the idea of lots of cupcakes and diving headfirst in a bottle of wine. (I kid, a little.) I got a note from Michael's teacher about the fabulous day he had at school on Friday (how can you not love a woman who sends notes home about the good and the bad?) and I started to feel as if maybe, just maybe, all hope was not lost.
Saturday morning Michael woke up in a fantastic mood very, very excited to go to karate. "Today is the day I start Kid Tigers, Mommy! I'm not a Little Dragon anymore." He had remembered at his last belt test he told me that he wanted to move up a level and I promptly did nothing about that.
"Michael, you need to do Little Dragons today and then we will talk to them, okay? We will tell them today you are ready for Kid Tigers. And then next week you will be a Kid Tiger."
"No Mommy, I'll tell them."
And off we went, he did his class and at the end of class he marched into the office and told the very same person who had told him two months ago he was ready for Kid Tigers, and he had cried. "I think I'm ready now. I'm ready to be a Kid Tiger."
"What changed Michael?" she asked.
"I'm just ready now."
And I realized the self awareness this not even 6 year old has. The reason he cried was because he wasn't ready before. He knew he wasn't ready, and he thought we were pushing him before he was ready. But he was ready now, and he wanted us to know. I don't think I have that much self awareness.
It is not everyday you learn a lesson from your almost 6 year old. It is okay not to be ready even though everyone thinks you are. You know yourself best. You are your own best advocate.
"I'm so proud of you Michael," she said. And she was. And so were we.
And we went to the pro shop and bought him his new uniform.
He is going to be okay. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be the end of the year, it may not be for a while, but in the end, he is going to be okay. We all are.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I hope this week is better for you. I worry so about my oldest son. Last week, I could barely get through the day without worrying about him (also unbloggable stuff). Listening to him definitely helps, and so I keep trying. I just don’t want to look back on his life and have regrets that I didn’t help him enough.
Oh Jodi, I empathize. Especially about wanting to dive headfirst into a bottle of wine. My week was a few weeks ago when I had to have D&C for a miscarriage then work just exploded when I wasn’t there added to the emotional upheaval of the miscarriage and…yeah, I get it.
But it did get better, day by day, week by week. I’m in a better place emotionally now. I’m so glad that Michael had a great day on Friday and that he knew when he was ready to advance to the next level. My kids are younger than Michael but you are so right, you can’t push them. They will know and they will let you know too. I hope that the good news continues to roll in for you.
Hooray! I think that seeing self awareness grow is one of the coolest things about kids. I’m seeing that in my kids too and it is amazing what a difference it makes. So sorry that you’re having a rough go of it. Does Sparkles count as something big and sparkly and pretty? Because we could get the pony as an end of year gift to ourselves. I mean for our kids.
this sorta made me tear up. Love that kid.
It’s funny what kids innately know. We probably know it, too, but our adult-ness keeps it hidden. My 6-year-old told me the other day that everyone already knows everything inside them; we just have to practice a lot to release it.
And that Kid Tiger uniform is adorbs.
(@Dawn: hugs. I’ve been there. It sucks.)
You just need those good moments every once in a while to keep you going. LOVE.
I think sometimes we’re just so focused on what we think should be happening that we forget to pay a little attention to the cues our kids are putting out there. Sometimes when they’re not ready they’re just not ready… and then suddenly they are.
And yes… I believe all parents do feel this way (and if they don’t admit it I think they might be lying).
Awesome teacher that sends home good notes!!!!
What an awesome kid! And that uniform is totally rad.
He will be friend, he will be. Michael may always do things in his own time and his own way. It’s probably just who he is. He will be okay though.
You may need more wine however.
I love this post and I love that his hair is sticking up in the back!
Love this! It is so true…just when we are ready to pull our hair out ( or drink, or eat, or both), they surprise us with golden nuggets of wisdom and maturity! I guess the trick is remembering the feeling of those moments, to help us through the rest!
Sometimes I am shocked when my son is suddenly ready for something and I look back with 20/20 hindsight. Good for him. And I agree that the uniform is too cute.