I'm having one of those days. You know, those days where the only thing that helps is liquor and good friends.
Is Glee new tonight? That may help.
I remember Amy did this a while ago and I am shamelessly stealing it from her. Please, tell me something, anything, to make me laugh. It can be a joke, something really funny that happened to you, anything.
I will be back with my trademark wit and delightfulness soon.
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Raising a glass for you and sending you a virtual hug!
Raising a glass for you and sending you a virtual hug!
I have slipped on a banana peel. Actually, I have done so on two different occasions. You’d be surprised how many banana peels are just lying around when you look for them (which I do now).
When I was ten, I was running outside at a 4th of July party and I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into the glass door. Like those birds on the Windex commercials. I was fine. I still can’t live it down.
That same day? My dad lit the bushes on fire, with illegal fireworks. The neighbors called the firemen, who showed up and asked what happened. My dad tried to lie and say, oh it was fireworks from the high school. My 8 year old brother was like, no daddy, remember? You took the spinny firework and set it right here and then whoosh the bushes went up in flames. The firemen cracked up and let my dad off with a warning. Two years later? We moved into a new house. Yeah that same fireman? He was our landlord. It wasn’t until he saw my brother that he realized who we were.
That’s the best i can do this week. Hugs, wine and chocolate to you my friend.
Sorry, I don’t have a thing. The suckage abounds here too. It was fun to see my shoes on the facebook page though.
Last night, in response to Charlie Sheen’s rants about the show’s producers, Two and a Half Men producer Chuck Lorre wrote this for the show’s closing credits:
“I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers. If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.”
yes, Glee is new today.
… and my cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Really dumb joke that made me laugh…
Q: What’s green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, it’ll kill you?
A: A pool table.
Hey, I tried.
Yesterday I held up my five month old and asked her “who’s my little love bug?”
She smiled and burped in my face and blew a raspberry (aka spit in my eye).
My husband laughed at me, took her and said “I guess she’s Daddy’s love bug!”
She smiled, farted and then puked on him.
I died laughing.
One time I shat myself in the middle of a tour through the Redwood Forest.
A few years ago I was in a coffee shop with my sister and my then 3 year old daughter. My very loud child inquired “Mommy, how come you always get to take your top off?”. Every. Single. Person in the shop turned go see shat she was talking about. It took me a very long embarrassed minute to figure out she was talking about my coffee top. I’d ordered her hot chocolate cool enough to drink right away but had taken the (coffee) top off mine to let it cool. I thought my sister was going to fall out of her chair laughing at me.
When I was about 8 or 10 I had the greatest t-strap, red patent NEW sandals. I took them on vacation, of course. On vacation we went out to visit the farm, (THE farm of my mom’s dad’s side of the family,) and promptly, in my new sandals, stepped in a fresh cow pie.
You’re welcome.
Also? JellyBean? Best credit line EVAH.
That was supposed to be “every single person turned around to see what she was talking about”. Damn auto correct iPhone.
Stolen from a friend’s blog, I laugh out loud everytime I re-read. Hope it helps!
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Last weekend I took Belle to the beer store for the first time. As are most new things with Belle, it was an experience.
I open the door and Belle darts in. Naturally a two-year old running unaccompanied into a liquor store gets everyone’s attention.
I follow closely behind her and Belle asks in her best outdoor voice, “This is where we get beer, Daddy?”.
Me: Yes Belle
Belle: I like it!
Me: You don’t like beer.
Belle: No, I no like beer. I like milk or water or juice.
Me: That’a girl Belle.
Belle begins pointing to the refrigerator full of different cases of beer. I like the colors Daddy–red, green, blue, purple…
She proceeds to make our selection: A variety pack of Sam Adams. She apparently has good taste. As I pull it out of the fridge, the other cases slide forward to take its place with a loud crash. Belle thinks this is one of the funnier things that happened all weekend. Finally we make our way to checkout and the nice man at the register has a lollipop ready for us. Who knew?
So to sum up: between the bright colors, loud noises and free candy, I believe that Belle now has the same affection for our local liquor store as I do. I love father/daughter days.
When I was a kid, my dad and neighbor were outside working on our car. My dad asked my mom to go and get him a screwdriver. He placed emphasis on her hurrying back with it. In her haste, she forgot that she had closed the screen door. She came out with her arm extended, screwdriver in hand, and the screen door hanging off the end of the screwdriver.
The fancy Richmond VA hotel where we were spending our wedding night was supposed to send a car to pick us up from our reception. They went to the wrong place, picked up a different bride. We bummed a ride from a friend, got to the hotel and told them what happened. Apologetically, they sent champagne and strawberries to our room. I was in the bathroom when the waiter came in, and when I assumed he out the tray down and left.
I took off my wedding dress in the bathroom, walked out and said, “Sweetie, did you put up the Do Not Disturb sign?” My new husband cleared his throat, and I turned to see him standing next to the room service guy, who was opening the champagne. I. Was. Totally. Naked. I’m sure the entire hotel staff heard about that delivery!
BTW, this story is funny. But it’s funnier when told in person and I act it out (clothed, of course).
Q: What’s blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.
Soooo stupid, but it makes me laugh.
Why don’t nuns do drugs?
Because they already have a habit.
Hope it gets better.
Much to my wife’s annoyance I taught my 4 year old why 6 is afraid of 7
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
*groans*
Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub.
The first elephant turns to the second elephant and says, “please pass the soap.”
The second elephant turns back to the first elephant and says, “No soap. Radio.”
Also, my parents have a talking bird. This is a true story. He can only say “hello”(he was unironically named “Ditto” before his lack of vocabulary prowess was discovered) but he has a million different ways to say it to suit any number of scenarios. He’s hungry, small meek, “hello?” like, can I have some of your snack? Fell off his perch, “Hello!” like, I’M OKAY! In a lovey mood? looking for a head scratch? “heeeeelllloooooooo……” The bird is a MASTER of inflection.
A blind man is sitting in a diner. The waitress tops of his coffee and he says “Want to hear a great blonde joke?”
She says, “Just so you know, I am a blonde. The two women next to you are blonde and one of them is a cop. The woman across the aisle is blonde and she is a black belt, and she’s talking to a waitress who is also blonde and also a professional body builder. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?”
The blind man says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it 5 times!”