I was having a hard week last week. I was coming down from a BlogHer high, and Michael was being particularly difficult. I don't know why I will never learn that this kind of stuff with him never lasts long, and that behavior (knock on wood), is gone already. A quick phase, come and go, although we have a doctors appointment this afternoon that I am not canceling, just in case.
I think we, as parents, particularly moms, are hard on ourselves, I know I am. I tend to take on the weight of the world. And I certainly have "I suck as a mom" days, weeks, months, maybe years. Michael favors Doug so predominately that you can't help but wonder if it is a personality thing or just simply the fact that I'm not a very good mom.
I know in my heart that is not true. I'm starting to believe more and more that absent abuse or neglect kids are who they are. I'm not really sure what we do matters all that much. Now don't get me wrong. I think we feed and clothe them and give them all the love and support and help they need. You will never see a child more prepared for Kindergarten then Michael. And at this point if he fails, well, then I think we have our answer. Because there is nothing else we can do. Then we know. The problem is more organic.
Children are born with a personality. And yes, we can shape and mold and nurture and try to change, but in the end, they are who they are.
Friday was Michael's last day at camp. The last day I would walk into the school that changed us, that saved us. One of his camp teachers stopped me to tell me, totally unsolicited, "you should be very proud. He is a very polite and well mannered little boy. You have obviously taught him very well." And I think that may be the best thing anyone has every said about him. That and when they told me he sticks up for the kid other kids pick on.
Somewhere, somehow, we are getting through to Michael. We may not see it or know it now, but 20 years from now, he is going to make a damned fine adult. Five isn't all bad either. I just need to keep remembering that.
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The winner of the Stoneyfield Gift pack was Hope. Email me your address at jodi@lucidphoenix.com
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally get this. Jace so favors B that it makes me question myself every day..
And I know I’ve never met you, but you can feel the love that you have for your family through your writing… and if that tells me anything, it’s that you don’t suck.
The old nature/nurture debate. I have no doubt much is nature. Joshua spent lots of time with my mom, so when I see little quirks clearly my mom, I don’t know, but then when I see something in Elijah (who never met her) that is her, but not me… Honestly, I would never discount the power nature. But I don’t discount nurture either. Most natures have two (or more) sides, as parents we shape how that manifests.
It’s interesting b/c with our daughter having started Kindergarten last week you get to see a glimpse of what others see in your child. It’s amazing really b/c you are right. We moms are hard on ourselves and just when I feel like I can do nothing right I witness something in my child that makes me swell with pride and know that I had some small part in that. Wishing you many of those moments with Michael as he starts school.
You definitely don’t suck!
I think you are way to hard on yourself. Then again, I am sure I am too hard on myself too.
I am convinced that they all come in with a personality. FOR SURE. Ahem.
One of the best compliments any parent can hear is how well behaved and great their child is. I think that is how you know you are a good mom.
Definitely soak in the praise!
Man, I have daysweeksmonths where I am CONVINCED I am absolutely the worst parent in the world, that my kid is going to grow up and be and absolute uncivilized godless heathen savage with unkempt hair and stinky feet … and then someone says, out of the blue, “I wish my daughter was more like yours.” Those days are THE BEST.
Wishing you many days that are THE BEST.
I think that when children prefer their mom more we don’t blink twice at it… after all don’t we often label fathers as the “lesser” parent even when they give equally? But when a child prefers their dad more, suddenly the mom doubts the awesomeness of who she is?! That is crazy. It doesn’t matter who you think Michael prefers more… he LOVES you both, and you both are great parents. You need to take this self-doubt and kick it in the a$$ on the way out the door! When will you see what we see? A Jodi that is the best Mamma-bear out there? You can’t fool us, Jodi, we know you are a great mom!
My daughter constantly tells me how much she adores her father and how mean I am. So most of my days are spent with the Wow, I must be awful chorus running through my head. But I agree with you, we do what we can, and then we hope that we have given them all the tools. And the comments that the teacher made on Michael’s last day….yes, those are million dollar comments that you should be very very proud of. You have done good mom!
Remember, always 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards.
Remember wine (and cupcakes) should go with both. To celebrate and to help ease the pain.
I’m by far an expert, but there will always, always, always be challenges and rewards with parenting.Just keep remembering sometimes it takes a while for the child to soak up the parenting you are trying to do. But it does soak in.
Benjamin favors my husband A LOT. It’s hard, particularly on days whenI feel like I’m being the very best mother I know how to be and he’s still all about daddy. It really isn’t about us sometimes. I’m definitely with you in believing that these kids are who they are. That’s a tough lesson to learn.
I guess the nature vs. nuture question will never be completely resolved. We live in such a hectic high stress world that it is amazing most of us adapt as well as we do.