Michael never crawled. We know now that is a classic sign of low
muscle tone and probably should have been flagged by my pediatrician,
but a week before his first birthday he stood up and walked. He never
took little steps or cruised around the furniture, he just walked, like
he always knew how and was just waiting. And that is just him.
The hardest part of Michael is that he is just so stubborn. (Shut up Mom and Dad. He does not get that from me. That is all Doug.) He does things when he wants, how he wants, and there is no pushing him. Everyone in his class was writing their name long before him, and he had no interest. And right when I was tearing my hair out because WHY WAS THIS CHILD NOT WRITING HIS NAME WHAT HIS WRONG WITH HIM, he did it. And it was fine. And what the hell was I worrying about? (I probably wouldn't have worried so much if it wasn't for a certain preschool we don't talk about anymore.)
Michael hates swim lessons. He cries and carries on like someone might kill him when we mention that we are going. And sometimes he does fine and sometimes he does terrible, but we make him go. And when I read blog posts like this, my heart drops. Why can I not have one thing that is easy with this child. Michael is a lot of things, smart, lovable, friendly, but he is not easy. He isn't even a little bit easy. He is a hard, challenging kid. And that is ok. Because I know the reason he is this way is because he is bright and curious and wants to challenge me, but that doesn't make the end of the day any easier. It doesn't make him refusing to do the simplest thing, things that shouldn't be that hard, that other kids like to do, like play sports, or ride a bike, or swim, any easier.
When we were at the beach I developed this game where Doug and I would toss Michael around in the pool. It was silly, and I was hoping just to get him a little more comfortable in the water. A little bit through the game I realized he was swimming. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't perfect, but it was swimming. Some crazy combination of free stroke and butterfly and dogie paddle. And he wasn't scared, he wasn't crying, he was just having fun. He looked like any other kid in the pool that was not an expert swimmer. And it is possible with the amount of swim lessons he has had that he should be a better swimmer, sure. But he is not. Michael is who he is.
So much of kids is personality. And maybe we have been too busy trying to pathologize him and forgetting about his personality. Sure he stubborn. But in the end he always comes around. And hey, I still don't know how to ride a bike and I've managed to live a long and healthy life.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I could have written this post about my oldest daughter. Everything has been on her own time – giving up the bottle, walking, swimming, riding her bike. She’s almost 13 and it is still the same. She has ADHD, which we found out plays a role in these behaviors. She’s bright, funny, articulate, but not easy. I cherish the easier times and remind myself when things get tough that it’s not always this way. Oh, and mix in teenage hormones … nope. Not easy.
Oh my gosh, I’m just like CT Mom — this sounds just like Caroline. It’s SO frustrating but I’m slowly learning that if I just chill out and try not to stress about stuff, eventually it will all work out.
I mean to comment the other day on your post about when will you believe that Michael is ready. I think the more successes that he has the more you will come to accept that he will be okay. I can remember feeling for a long time like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I could never fully trust that things were truly okay. And while they’re still not 100% and I’m a little nervous about Caroline starting kindergarten in two weeks(!!) I feel a lot more confident than I did a year ago.
Hooray for Michael!
(And does this mean I can invite you to Mia’s party? It seemed cruel to invite a kid who hated the pool to a pool party, but if he likes it now…)
I have 3 kids and each one is completely different when it comes to anything, but I can run down swimming for you. Oldest (6.5) is most natural swimmer of the three. Loves it, but also has not had to work at it so in some ways learning how to be a better swimmer has been a big challenge for her. Middle (4) has always been nervous about water, but this summer he actually wants to swim. He has the least natural ability but works the hardest at it and has progressed leaps and bounds this summer. The best part is he begs to go swimming. But this only happened when he was ready. I don’t know how it happened but it did somewhere inside of him and as a result he has really flourished this summer. But there was nothing different that we did with each child and we just had to work with their own personalities. Everyone has their own timetable and strengths and there is so little we can do to influence that.
I have a feeling that in a couple of years, I’m going to be exactly in your place. My 3 year-old has always been the super-cautious kid who takes forever to warm up to new ideas. Potty training? Took a year. A YEAR. (Started when she was 2, she figured it out at 3.) Right now I’m struggling with trying to get her to write/draw anything. She doesn’t want to hold a pencil or a crayon. At all. They’re working with her at daycare, and we try to work on it at home. Sometimes I can get a few half-hearted scribbles out of her, but that’s about it.
But at the same time, I’m sure that eventually she’s going to figure that one out and do it on her own. Kids like her, and like Michael, just have no interest in our timetables of when we think they *should* be hitting certain milestones.
My son is pretty much the same way. He wasn’t potty trained until he was 4 but he was ready then. No accidents, wetting the bed, or anything after that. He was just ready. The more I pushed, the more he pushed back. He didn’t learn to ride a bike until he was 8. He didn’t have any interest in it. We did have to entice him with a bigger, orange bike to get him to want to try it. But, it came easily and quickly when he was ready. He is very smart too and has had some health issues with allergies and eczema. I think that makes him more tense and irritable. But, I’m a firm believer that they will do what they need to do when they are ready.
Zachary was never interested in time-tables. He was very much like Michael in the whole not-doing-it-till-he-was-ready thing. He never crawled until he was 10 months old. Never army-crawled, never scooched, just put him down on the floor one morning and he was off. Then, he didn’t walk until 15 months. Like Michael, he never “practiced” one day he just… walked! I started trying to potty train him at around 3, but it wasn’t working at-all! Finally a day after his fourth birthday I told him that he couldn’t wear pull-ups or diapers any more in the day because he was 4. I just made it sound like a law or something. It took ALL last year of working on it. He still wears pull-ups at night, but wakes up dry at least 65% of the time, and during the day, does fine… mostly. We still have wet pants at least once a week, maybe less. And wiping? Christ. The kids arms don’t even seem long enough! And he isn’t interested in too much trying.
Writing was a challenge, he doesn’t always want to try. He knows most letters, but always acts unsure. He can write his name, but always opps for the shorter “Zach” instead of “Zachary”… and swimming? He gets in the water- with his life vest- and paddles around, but isn’t intersted AT ALL with getting his face and head wet. The younger one (14 months) practically jumping out of my hands to get into the water. Stubborn sometimes seems like an understatement, doesn’t it? *sigh*
Have you observed his swim lesson at all? Could be his instructor doesn’t work well with his learning style. Like academic teachers, not all swim instructor are made equal or work well with every child.
Sounds so familiar. And here we are at the other end, all grown up, still stubborn but so very accomplished. The journey was long but once you arrive the rewards are wondrous. I promise.
I know what a wonderful mom you are, and so admire your commitment and your candor. Michael is lucky to have you.
When I was in school I had a professor tell me that in regards to children’s development it is important to remember that it is not when kids do it, it’s that they do it. I have tried to remember this with the students I teach as well as with your nephew.
Beautiful.
Also, congrats on your little swimmer
Heather’s professor had it right–it’s not when kids do it, it’s that they do it. My child walked at 10 months (she never had low muscle tone and never crawled!). She refused to continue ballet, take more music lessons or any other activity we tried–at the ripe old age of 7! She just didn’t want to do any of that anymore. I think we as parents finally figured out we were pushing too hard, trying to ‘meet the guidebook expectations and goals’. And you know what? She turned out fine. She was valedictorian of her high school, went on to a top 10 school, and is now a pediatrician with 2 young children of her own!
). Enjoy your child — too soon he or she is all grown up and leaving home!
I guess what I’m trying to say is ease up a bit on expectations you read about because your child feels the pressure even when you never say a word to him/her. Your child will get potty trained, will learn to write, will learn to swim (maybe), will learn to ride a bike (again maybe!
Your son is exactly like my daughter was at all these stages – she would not ride her two wheel bike on her own, no matter how many miles we ran beside her. Then one day, she just rode. She would not print her name, no matter how many hours and colored crayons we used. Then, she just printed it just fine. She would not read even basic words, til one day – blah, blah blah. You get the picture. She has NEVER done anything on our schedule. Only hers. She tested very high on every darn test her school threw at her, she was outgoing, friendly and happy all the time. She is now 23 and done college and moving out. She has not started to pack, but I have given up mentioning it. She will do it – but only when she is ready. Took us a while, and a few forehead smacks, but we finally got it. She does what she does only when she is ready. And never a minute before.
Hey! I thought I was the only person in the DC area (maybe the world!) who never learned to ride a bike! Nice to know there is someone else.
I also have a child who has never been easy. I recently wrote about that too. Sometimes, I just wish my daughter wasn’t quite so challenging, quite so spirited. But she is. It’s her personality. And we just have to work with it and get over the fact that she’s not going to be easy. Although, sometimes I do still need to mourn that fact.