I get asked (a lot) about having an only child. The whys, the hows, the what ifs. And truth be told I'm not sure it is all that different than any of your lives, I just have one child.
When Michael was born, actually before Michael was born, when I was pregnant, I adamantly said I would never have another child. My pregnancy was rough, I was on and off bed rest with pre eclampsia and my doctor told me a second pregnancy would be tougher. And then Michael was a really, really easy baby. But still, the yearning for a second baby never came.
But the summer before I got sick, right before his 4th birthday, Doug I considered trying again. Not really trying, but not not trying I guess. But it never happened and then the Lupus diagnosis came, and with it came a strong caution against any more children.
But still I asked doctors, what if? What if I wanted more, had more, what would happened? There would be high risk doctors and so much medicine and so much bed rest and risk, risk, risk. But we could do that. We could talk about it. But we should do it before you turn 35, the doctors told me. Because then the risk becomes even more.
And I always thought after we moved. After we moved we would talk about it. We would sit down and Doug would come with me to a doctor's appointment and we would weigh the pros and cons and figure it out.
And then we moved. And then the pre school nightmare happened. And I thought we were going to have private school and specialists and a diagnosis. And a baby? Are you kidding me?
And I never really had a yearning for another one. And I turned 35 two weeks ago. The door is officially closed.
But Michael has started asking why so and so has brothers and sisters and he doesn't. And I don't know how to answer him. "Because you were enough" doesn't seem fair. "Because I couldn't have anymore" isn't exactly true and puts way too much pressure on a five year old.
The truth is in a perfect world I think I would have had another child. But life isn't perfect, and mine is still pretty damn good.
"Because our family is complete," is the only answer I can come up with. And it is.
Our family is complete.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
You have the perfect family. I admire you.
Yet another standard put on us by society. I live in Mormonland where people have families with 10 kids. You can imagine the comments I get when I tell people I’m done. And they always like to state it as a fact like, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”
How the **** do you know?!? Can you foresee the future?!
It makes me a little bit mad. Obviously. You have to do what’s best for you. I want my kid to get to travel, and see things and do things I didn’t get to do. Much better odds if I’m not sharing the resources with other kids.
You have a wonderful family!
You have a beautiful and family and a perfect one. There is no right or wrong number of children to have. You *know* when your family is complete.
I think that is the PERFECT answer for Michael!
Wonderful post. Seems today is the day for this topic. ClumberKim told me of your post shortly after I found the courage hit publish on mine.
On that note, I won’t bore you with comments because I know how it exactly feels to get them. I only hope the universe lets you alone, too.
When you know, you know. And that’s all there is to it. It’s no one else’s business frankly.
I’m an only. And I think a lot more people are going to have only children with the way the economy is. More kids are expensive! That’s just a fact.
You’ve got a great family and you’re happy which is a double blessing.
Your family is perfect.
Excellent answer, I love it. When my kids ask why we didn’t have more kids (so many folks here have 3 or 4) I say, all families are different and this is what is right for us. All families are different has been a constant theme with us as our kids are internationally adopted so we don’t “match”.
Your family IS complete. And beautiful.
Gabriel likes to pester me about siblings, especially since I come from a very large family. I told him I wasn’t having any more kids unless I was married, so now he wants to know when and who I’m gonna marry.
Great Post! I have an only- and now being newly remarried the baby conversation is starting to come up. I am not even sure I could because of my own medical history- Principessa was a total medical fluke!— but I go back and forth and what I think. Especially now that Principessa is 5 1/2– they would be so far apart in age that I am not sure it changes the “only” issues.
I think that is the PERFECT answer.
Hi there, found your blog through another BlogHer site. I turned 35 about 6 months ago and I, too, have felt the door slowly closing. We have one child, a beautiful daughter we adopted five years ago. And I’m happy and very lucky, I love my husband and my daughter more than anyone. And its possible that it will be the three of us for ever after. And if I’m ok with this, why do I care what others think? Its so frustrating, but really nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same issues and judgments. Cute family, BTW.
Oh, this is so lovely. I’m 37, and my partner and I are thinking very seriously about being done; we have one daughter who is 4. We are almost certainly done. It’s hard for me to even say. Thank you for posting this.
Hi, I’m the mother of an only child, and my son is five, too. We’ve already had questions about siblings, and I’ve been hedging, but I think your answer is a good one – our family is complete. Plus, I’m in my 40s!
Jodifur, I think I remember you from the babycenter March 2005 playgroup because we’re both lawyers from Maryland. Please correct me if I’m wrong. I gave up on that group years ago when they moved to yahoo.