I feel like I have not had a minute in the past year where I have not been concerned about Michael's school placement. His first school broke his hand. Then I stressed about moving him. Then we moved him and that went oh so well. Then we stressed about moving him again. Then we moved him again and things got better.
This is not normal. This cannot be normal.
But now we have to make another decision, and I have spent the last three days doing nothing but thinking about that decision. Well, more like the last 3 months. And I'm squarely in the the last person I talk to wins camp. Yesterday Michael's teacher told me he is still having a hard time sitting at circle time (once he leaves preschool I never, ever want to hear the term "circle time" again) and he is high energy. And a new one, he can be disrespectful to teachers.
On explanation, her version of disrespectful and my version of disrespectful are a little bit different. What she explained as disrespectful I understand to be garden variety not listening, but fine, it is not okay school behavior. And I thought fine, he stays here another year. To learn to not do these things. Which is what his school thinks should happen. (Clarification: The school does not think we should hold him back. The school thinks he should do kindergarten there. I'm not sure that is clear. And this is the new school, which I really do happen to like. Sorry if that did not come across.)
We got the report from the specialist he went to forever ago also yesterday, who diagnosis him with nothing but gives a list of recommendations that no public school will follow, nor do I really believe he needs, but does say he believes Michael will be successful at public school. So fine, he'll be successful at public school.
And then I spoke to the Assistant Principal at the the public school who assured me that the "problems" I am describing are not enough to keep Michael from being successful in a public school setting and she knows no reason not to send him. Next year. If he is going to go anyway, why not go next year? Which is what I have been saying all along.
But on the other hand we have "circle time," and "disrespectful," and "high energy." But I will say I am grateful this is what we have, because at the beginning of this year I was being told by his old school things like "aggressive" and "too high functioning for special needs but can never go to public school and will never read." So I'll take what I have. But it is not making my decision any easier.
I can't make another mistake in the school arena. I have made two. Pretty significant ones. If we move him and it blows up, I've done it again. It we keep him where he is and first grade is a disaster I have done it again.
I CAN'T WIN.
I will make you guys a deal. One of you make the decision. If it goes well I'll give you all the credit. But if it goes poorly, you are getting all the blame. And if it helps, Doug is leaning towards public school. Maybe I should let him pick and then blame him. I seem to do that anyway.
*****For some reason my comments on both here and mamapop are not being emailed to me. You know that I always respond to my comments via email, and I'm still trying to do that, but if I do not email you back it is because I am not getting all my comments. Typepad can not figure out the reason. I am not ignoring you. I really want your thoughts.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Jodi, I don’t envy you this situation. Okay, he is 5 and is high energy. That…sounds like every other 5 year old boy out there. I’m not an educator but I remember having read somewhere that boys find it a lot harder to sit still (Oh HAI circle time!) than girls do. It could very well be that Michael will benefit from another year to gain more maturity and control. My son’s birthday is August 25 and hubs and I are already talking about ‘holding him back’ a year so he won’t be at such a physical, emotional and social disadvantage when he does start school.
Bottom line: it sounds like he has made real progress this year. Can you talk to the Assistant Principle again with the list of recommendations to see if any can be accomodated? If not, what will it hurt to keep him where he is to gain another year of maturity? (This is not rhetorical – I honestly don’t know.)
Good luck; only time will tell if it’s the ‘right’ decision but always remember this: whatever you decide, you did it because you love your son so very much and want to help him the best way that you can.
I say send him to public school. The public school principal has no vested interest in whether Michael goes to that school or not. But she is very familiar with the routines of a kindergarten classroom and if she feels Michael will be successful, then I believe that she really believes that. When we had to make a decision about which pre-K to send Caroline to, I talked to the principal of the school where a spot had just opened up (and where my son was already a student). After I talked to her about Caroline’s issues, she told me to keep her where she was in the private pre-K. I really valued her honesty with me. Also, I just get a weird feeling about his preschool. It sounds like they are being very negative about issues that are very common for boys.
Also, I know that Caroline and Michael are not the same child, but Caroline really benefited from the structure and challenge her pre-K class gave her. Maybe Michael will benefit from the same types of things. And I know it sounds horrible to hold him back in kindergarten, but if he doesn’t progress like you want him to this year, let him repeat kindergarten. Or maybe you could withdraw him from school if it’s not going well and you could re-enroll him the following year?
BUT, having said all that, because of his birthday, my son was almost 6 when he started kindergarten and I do think there is something to boys doing better when they’re older.
I know I haven’t helped at all. I’m sorry. And I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this. I’ve been there and the worry is exhausting and all-consuming.
Jodi, I know you have been through so much in wrestling with these issues — the people who didn’t understand Michael and trying to figure out what’s best for him. My question for these teachers is this — are they REALLY trying to meet him, as they say, “where he is?” And if there are certain recommendations being made, why don’t the pre-school teachers start implementing them? Again, I worry that some teachers spend so much time making our children fit into one mold to make their days easier, that they’re not willing to take a little extra time with any child to sit, listen and see what they can do to accommodate. I’m not talking about serious stuff — I just mean really listening to children. Because often they’re just trying to tell us and other adults what they need and that should be OK.
Public school. There, decision made. Feel better? Me too!
Seriously, though. He is five. Most five year olds are high energy & none listen all the time. And as much as I have wanted to give his current school the benefit of the doubt regarding any ”concerns” about his behavior, it honestly is beginning to sound to me like last minute end-of-the-year, hard sell, high pressure bullshit to ensure his tuition I mean best education for next year.
I don’t envy your decision but at the same time, you didn’t make two mistakes. You didn’t break his hand. You didn’t create problems that didn’t exist. Shoulder only your responsibility which is making the best decision with the information (Michael’s actual behavior) in front of you.
I say send him to public school. He sounds like a great five year old boy who, duh, has trouble sitting still and listening because he’s a five year old boy. Have confidence in your son. He’s strong and great and he cam handle this. No decision that you make here is a bad one. If, for some reason, next year isn’t great, that isn’t your fault. You are a fantastic momma bear who is doing the absolute best things for her son. You love him fiercely and he knows that, and that is the most important thing for him. Have confidence in yourself and confidence in your wonderful boy.
Every single thing you mention here pretty much describes every single five-year-old kid I know. Kindergarten teachers will know how to deal with it. Send him to public school, ask the principal to assign him to a class with a teacher with X, Y, and Z attributes. Then give him/her the information from your report. Tell her that it is just information to help her get to know Michael a little better and that if she thinks any of those practices will help, it would be great if she used them. Then tell her you’re willing to help in any way and give her your cell phone number. Also bake her cookies.
Also? YOU didn’t screw up the last school. That SCHOOL screwed up. They were way out of line. And you didn’t break anyone’s hand.
You haven’t made mistakes in the school arena. You have had the misfortune to come across some bad educators. Not your fault.
Good luck with your decision!
Jodi I hate to say this but I say trust your gut. I have friends in our neighborhood going through the same thing and they are being pulled one way and another — it’s just awful to watch. And YOU…I know you are a great mother and understand Michael. You didn’t fail Michael the schools did.
In public school you have access to a lot of support – it’s the law, (I have some nerve telling that to a lawyer) and you can leverage it. ALSO at least they aren’t trying to medicate him. Kids, and especially boys, develop at different paces and different parts of them develop at different speeds. As his advocate you can remind these teachers of that; they should have been working with him on his circle time issues; preschool is meant to help socialize kids and help them learn to use scissors and not eat paste and teachers are supposed to support that socialization not throw up their hands and yell at the parents.
SO do what you believe and what feels right. Michael will survive these early adventures and so will you. He has the blessing of an incredibly strong and loving family and that’s the biggest thing of all.
I think either school will be fine. He’s in elementary school. He doesn’t know what he needs, and teachers aren’t the crystal balls who can tell you what, if anything, is wrong, even if they’re saying they can. My teachers thought I was having issues reading. One of the older students finally hands me a chapter book, and lo and behold, I’d just been bored with picture books. I wasn’t that respectful, I never got my homework in on time. But it all turned around when I got to middle school, because I cared (or something- it certainly wasn’t teacher prodding).
This isn’t a single decision you make that decides everything. You make one decision, and then you, Doug, and Michael make little decisions every day that determine what happens in the long run. Its elementary school. He’s bound to not be perfect all the time, and that’s going to be true with all of his classmates. You live in a great school district, so you have two good choices. You’re not going to “make a mistake”. There is no mistake here. You just have to trust yourself, and trust Michael.
A consensus appears to be developing. As it happens, I agree. Based on what you’ve told us, I don’t see any profoundly compelling reason not to send him to public school.
I love Leandra’s points about vested interest and familiarity w/routines. Great, great food for thought. You also noted that his specialist sent a “list of recommendations that no public school will accommodate…” but what’s missing from that statement is: “…without an IEP.” If Michael thrives, you’re all set. If he struggles or faces challenges above/beyond the norm, push for an IEP, and initiate the accommodations that way.
Obviously, there are no guarantees. As a parent, all you can ultimately do is weigh the options and make the best choice based on the information you have. My two cents, given what I know? Public school.
Since my opinion comes only from what I’ve read on your blog, I’m not sure how much weight it holds, but I’ll give it to you anyway! If you have a good public school system where you live that will offer assistance to you as you figure out *if* Michael needs any extra help (which it sounds like you do since you’ve already visited with them!), go with the public school. That being said, I think whatever your Mommy intuition is telling you is probably best. Those feelings tend to be pretty reliable when it comes to our kids. Good luck, Jodi! You are a good Mom and will make a good decision.
I vote public school (because, you know, I get a vote in your and your kid’s life!). Obviously I’m not in the same school system you are, but I’ve never had the feeling that there is much “sitting still” in kindergarten. And there’s certainly no damn Circle Time. Yes, they are read to and spend some time in their seats but they’re always doing something, participating, moving from one activity to another. I know plenty of successful, productive, highly intelligent, public school educated adults (more men than women) who can’t sit still now. They get a lot more done than I do!
So, here are my two cents….as a former educator and mother of both a boy and a girl. Schools (and this goes for public, private, charter, etc) aren’t run the way boys best learn. They are set up to accomodate typically the way girls learn better. Boys, especially at this age, have a hard time sitting still. They are active, they are hands-on, they are physical and unfortunately most lessons aren’t taught that way in a classroom. It’s more sit quietly and listen and then sit quietly and practice and then sit quietly…and on and on. So, a lot of what some teachers view as “disrespect” or “high energy” is just boys (or in some case girls) being bored or not engaged or not challenged in a way that “clicks” for them. Some schools do a better job of accomodating different learning styles than others.
I would say to send him to public school. It seems the private school may have other motives in keeping Michael there another year….like financial. Good luck with your decision. It is definitely a hard one to make!
While I wouldn’t presume to know what is best for you and your family since you asked I’ll make the decision.
I have to disagree with @Sarah in some regards. I do think she is right in terms of the sitting still issue, but I don’t think it is geared towards girls, they get screwed by a whole other set of biases and educational failures.
He will do find no matter what you decide, he is a smart kid with smart supportive parents. Personally unless I was planning on sending him to private all the way through, I would make the change now (if you are going to be doing it anyway)
You can blame me for any decision that doesn’t turn out well.
I’m tough, I can take it.
That being said, I think he would be fine either place. But I would vote for public school, since that’s where he’s going to be anyway.
Hang in there, Michael is going to be great either place!
I also vote the public school route. The way I see it they BOTH seem like good options and are a pretty equal choice so you need to look at other ways to “break the tie” so to speak. And since it will be financially easier for you as a family to go to public school that is a good tie breaker. You’ll be able to take the money and put it towards a nice family vacation or something else that will give you a greater reward (booze). heh..
Public school. Seriously. My daughter will be going to kindergarten in the fall, but she has been in pre-k for a year and half (stupid December birthday) and she is bored out of her mind. But also I’ve got to see the kids that she was in pre-k with last year that are now finishing kindergarten (her pre-k has a before and after school program) and there is a world of difference. I think there is something about the structure of kindergarten that just turns them around and makes them grow up. Which is sad, but also necessary.
Ugh. I feel your pain. Literally. I went through these kinds of choices with my own special needs son for preschool then kindergarten then changing schools in 2nd grade. Now we’re heading to middle school. I am sending him to our local public middle school and I am terrified. I don’t know if I’m making the right choice. My son has high energy, focus problems. He doesn’t always listen. He can be disrespectful when he feels uncomfortable or threatened (which he often does.)
Do I know for sure that I’ve made the best possible choices for my son? No. I don’t. I do know that I carefully weighed my choices each time and I did my best to make the very best choice for my son. That’s really all we can do.
I don’t have any great words of wisdom beyond this – you know your son the best. Wherever he goes to school, you will be his fierce advocate and having you advocate for him will give him a most tremendous advantage, regardless of where he goes to school. Neither the school will be perfect, but it is unlikely either school will be a disaster either.
I know how hard it is. I really do.
It’s hard to decide on what’s best for your kid, but whatever decision you make, you’ll make it with love and for reasons that seem right at the time. OK, I get it already – you’re scared to make the decision. But either a) make the damn decision or b) shut up about it already. Sometimes there is NO RIGHT ANSWER. You just have to go with all of the information you have, and if that doesn’t work you go with your gut, and if that doesn’t work, then flip a goddamn coin.
You don’t seem like the type of parent who would intentionally make a decision to mess up your kid’s life – just have the courage of your convictions, no matter how it turns out, that you did what you thought was right at the time.
I’m going against the grain here, but what is the downside of keeping him where he is? Other than financial, which is a hardship, but seemingly not out of the question. Is there a downside for him to staying at his current school?
Sorry to muddy the waters, but you know we are in the middle of all this too.
Hard one — good reasons to keep him and good reasons to send him on (like you didn’t know that already). One question — how big is the public school and how transient? My kids did kindergarten at their Montessori preschool because it complete their 3 year program there and the lunch kid process was wonderful in their gaining confidence in themselves. Our public school is pretty transient with lots of diplomats kids so when they got to first grade there were lots of kids who had not gone to kindergarten there. My friend’s kids from the Montessori school had a much harder transition to public school because the population was pretty stable and her kids were almost the only new kids entering a situation where friendships had been formed the year before (but they were girls and that also mattered more, boys seem more able to add new friends). Just one more thought.
I say keep him where he is (contrary to everyone else and making it more of a split vote). I am going to post about Brynna’s Montessori graduation in the next hour or so and then you can read that and know why I think that.
On another note, I’m going to not argue about your use of the word mistake, because I am a mom too and I know what you mean. But, I am going to point out that there is a world of difference between perfection and blowing up. I mean, you could probably choose either and it would be fine. You’d never know if the other would have also been fine or perfect or horrific. And it would all be fine. You had super-bad luck. I think you’ve blown your bad-luck quotient and you should be all set for some “eh” luck.
I know it doesn’t help for me to say quit stressing, because whatever, you’re not going to until he is grown and you can start stressing about the grandbabies, but I think you need a mantra. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine.
I haven’t read the other comments but go public. They are equipped to handle a multitude of different learning styles and if the Asst. Principal said yes, then go for it. Free, easy to access, in the neighborhood, you can always observe without an appointment and if he does need help then there are federally mandated programs for him. And yes, you can blame me.
I say Public School and be done with it. Any Kindergarten teacher worth her weight in poop will do fantastically with Michael. HONESTLY, the things you describe (I hate circle time as well… and think it is incredibly BORING- which would make me fidget too) are really NO BIG DEAL in the realm of whether or not he will succeed. Believe it or not, public schools ARE prepared to deal with issues that a child may (or may NOT) have. It is kind of a thing that we do… “I” being a public school teacher whose son is starting Kindergarten at the school I teach at in the fall. Maybe he will have Ms. Lin… maybe he will have the class that has two teachers “job sharing”… maybe he will have that new teacher that taught first grade last year… meh. He will be fine. Why? Because his MOTHER is involved… and cares… and will ensure that he doesn’t FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS. Just like YOU will do for MIchael no matter where you send him. Consider this: “YOU did not cause Michael’s problems, the previous circumstances did. IF you had not sent him to the first school, he may have hurt himself somewhere else. IF you had not moved him, he may have experienced the same problems anyway. If you send him to public school, or if you keep him there, he will be fine. I say public school since he will be there anyway. His admittance to Stanford will not be affected by whatever this preschool could possibly do in the first grade.
Oops I meant “… possibly do in Kindergarten” at the end of my rant. Sorry!