I did something I never do, and I spent some time looking at my archives yesterday. (Does anyone ever read their archives? I tend to think mine are crap and want to delete everything). I was looking for some pictures for Michael's 5 year montage (5, 5 how can this child be 5 soon?) and found myself on the whole line of posts around his accident last year.
G-d, I had forgotten how truly gut wrenchingly horrible that was. I had convinced myself that the biggest mistake I ever made was moving out of that school to the new school, where all the badness happened. And after re-reading all those posts I realized, there is no way he could have stayed there.
It's funny, the things our memory does to play tricks on us. How we can blame ourselves for anything? Would Michael not have had the problems if we never moved him? I don't know, maybe, maybe not. Maybe he was reacting poorly to the house move and the school move and everything that happened all at once. Maybe it was some developmental changes and he needed the extra help and therapies we have been giving him.
We will never, ever know. But I know this. It is time to stop blaming myself for all the what ifs and the nevers and honestly, and truly move on. We are where we are. And where we are, is a pretty good place.
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Flagellating yourself over mistakes you’ve already corrected is, ultimately, a waste of time and energy. The three of you have worked long and hard to get to “pretty good” — and there’s NO shame in finding yourself kinda happy to be there.
I read the posts and I’ve got a few things to say here. FIRST you are SO much LESS of a hysterical mom than I would have been. Heck I’d call 911 for a hang nail, and I’ve got four kids… I could be personally responsible for the collapse of the health care system if I let my inner over reacting mommy out. Second, what a big guy for 3 is he going to play goalie for the Caps now that he’s 5? And 3rd, as a former in-home daycare provider, THANKS for understanding accidents do happen. That said, I bolt everything that doesn’t move down, and once even attempted this with the cat.