Michael has always been a really good sleeper. He slept through the night at 5 months and before that he only got up once to eat. And before you start throwing things at me remember a few things. 1. The kid never napped. 2. He took a year to potty train. 3. I HAVE TO HAVE SOMETHING.
Anyway, lately he gets up at 0 dark 30 because he hears Doug leave for work and he is obsessed with his father and he has to say goodbye to his father. This was cute for a minute. Until he started timing his wake ups to make sure he said goodbye to Daddy. And now he wakes up before Doug leaves and starts screaming "DADDY" so Doug won't forgot to say goodbye. Which, wakes me up. At 5 am.
And then, the last couple of nights he has gotten up in the middle of the night screaming "DADDY DON'T LEAVE." At 2 am. It is fun.
HELP. We have tried taking away privileges, putting him to bed earlier, telling him Daddy will make sure he says goodbye, everything I can think of. It has to stop. I'm tired. I don't want middle of the night wake ups. I don't have a baby. Plus it has started to affect his behavior, and my new favorite book talks about how lack of sleep can look like ADHD symptoms.
I never ask the internet for assvice, but did anyone else's kid do this? I know Michael is really attached to Doug but this is insane. He really believes that if he doesn't say goodbye to him he isn't going to see him later, or something.
AND THIS JUST STARTED. Is it a phase? Because I do not enjoy getting up at 5 am, at all.
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It can be a phase or he can just, for whatever reason, be feeling a little insecure about his relationship with his dad (and gosh-a-mighty that sounds much worse than what I mean).
Kids are quirky and it can be really hard to tell what makes them tic from day to day. I know this is probably the harshest suggestion because most people will suggest extra reassurance which I’m sure you’re already doing but my only reliable defense against middle of the night shenanigans is to just say, ”We don’t do that, you don’t have the right to disturb the rest of the house, everyone needs to be rested to have a good day/do well in school/be super well behaved to earn extra privileges”. And it has worked well, with all three of the littles. No negotiating, no middle of the night heart-to-hearts. Just: NO. Now back to bed, don’t care if you sleep, just be safe and be quiet.
But then again, I really am the least tolerant person ever of being woke up in the night for anything other than sickness so clearly I veer toward no non-sense solutions, heh.
I feel for you! My daughter went through this at about 3 1/2. It was just awful and draining. I can tell you that putting a clock in their room made a huge difference. Basically once she had some control over knowing what time it was she calmed down. What time does your husband leave for work? Maybe plan so that he comes in at a set time to say goodbye, but only if your son is quiet. Also, a little book light might be good too so he can turn on a small light and feel safe.
And I know it doesn’t help to hear, but everything – good and bad – is a phase. Just think, in 8 years you’ll have to drag his teenage butt out of bed in the morning! (at least that’s what I tell myself when I’m ready to lose it on my daughter for waking me at 2 am)
Good Luck!
Rebecca Levey
http://www.beccarama.com
Does Michael know his numbers? Maybe try getting him an alarm clock and explaining that when the first number is a 5 (or a 6, or whatever works), he can get out of bed and go give daddy a hug and go back to bed.. I know, I made that sound a lot easier than it probably is/would be… but an alarm clock in Big Jay’s room is the only thing that has afforded us any kind of sleep-in time on the weekends, so maybe it would be helpful in your situation too?
I think that sounds like separation anxiety. Maybe a talk with the pediatrician would shed some light?
Separation anxiety pops up over and over. With my daughter, who is now seven, I’ve noticed it at times when she is in a growth spurt or if something occurred that upset her (like a scene in a movie or a friend at school whose grandparent died or is moving away).
Has anything changed recently? Have you asked him why he is so worried?
I like the clock idea. Along with that perhaps conditioning him to the expectation of having to go back to sleep after saying goodbye, which could take a while.
My daughter was doing the early rising thing again recently, and we simply told her she had to stay in bed until it was time for her alarm to go off for school (or on the weekends until 8AM). She didn’t have to sleep if she didn’t want to. She could play quietly or read, but she had to stay in bed.
Five is a tough age. So many developmental leaps are being made. My daughter and both my nephews went through horrid patches at that age – not helpful except that knowing it’s normal is somewhat of a relief.
I would try the clock thing. Kids are so concrete and clocks are solid devices they can wrap their minds around.
Good luck:)
I would venture to say its a phase…is there a way daddy can spend some one on one time with his at bed time rather then on the other end as he is walking out the door? (obviously if he is not already) Maybe just a quick book..or a silly dad son thing with flash lights and finger animal shadow puppets that is just for them…Maybe a picture of dad right by his bed with a note saying Love you tons see you soon…read it to him several times until he knowns what it says and the picture/note can comfort him in the middle of the night wake ups and get him through to the real good bye….Has dad tried to take the initiative to be the one to go in and say good bye to him while he is still in bed? Maybe that would help…”Love ya dude, see ya later, now stay in bed and get some good rest for the rest of today so mom can too”
Yeah in my utopian world all of these are easy simple fixes LOL…good luck hun I hate hate hate sleep issues.
Okay, I heard this story somewhere about the bunny clock, but you can figure out your own version. Basically since he’s big enough, you make a new rule about when he is allowed to get up. Like an alarm clock that goes off and he MUST stay in bed until then or he won’t get to say goodbye to dad. (see, it will be using what he wants to get him to do what you want) The story I heard was this bunny clock and you couldn’t get out of bed unless his ears were up. And if you get up earlier then you get marched back to bed, and told that you don’t get some important thing you want for the day.
I bet that would work. “Dad says goodbye to you when this thing buzzes, not earlier, not later. It goes off every single day. That way, he and I, and you, will never ever forget.”
The clock idea sounds pretty solid. I also think having a special ritual w/ his dad at a different point in the day could help (at bedtime, after dinner).
Maybe you could help him write an email/text in the morning after Doug has left or he could have a quick phone call at some point? That might not work logistically or soothe his anxiety though.
I hope it’s just a phase and you all get sleep soon!
Is he anxious at other times? Have there been any big changes in his life recently?
We bought Rosey a special bear that only her father would give her at night. I actually made Jamie sleep with it a few nights, too – so it would smell like his soap. Jamie told R a story every night about how the bear would keep her safe until the morning. J also would kiss the bear goodnight and tell R the bear had a spare kiss for her.
That’s a really hard phase for him to be going through, and probably equally hard on Doug. (Daddy! Don’t go to work before I stick this knife through your heart!) I tread very carefully in the mornings to keep from waking my kids up too soon, but when kids miss you, it’s never enough. My daughter has gotten into the habit of grabbing my leg and chanting in a robotic voice, “It’s the daddy trapper. Trapping daddies.”
The only advice is to keep trying to find things that Doug can do to reassure him and eventually you’ll hit on something that satisfies. Or if he gets home in-time (I never do), have them do their goodbyes the night before?
Wow. Just re-read this comment. Lame assvice.
Well now, keep in mind that Mia slept for shit until she was 2, and has had some pretty miserable phases of lousy sleep since then, but overall these days (and for the past couple years) goes to bed with minimal effort and doesn’t make a peep for 11-12 hours, so not sure how much she and Michael have in common here. But she had a definite not wanting to miss Daddy in the morning phase and for a while was up at 5 AM every day just to make sure she could say goodbye. It lasted a couple of weeks, and then she got over it. Like most everything else with kids, it seems to me that this kind of thing comes and goes.
I think a combination of the advice here would be good. I agree that keeping it direct, with very little emotion is helpful. Also, the clock and the communication re: the rule that he can’t come out of his room until the first number is 6 (or whatever.) Of course, reminding him of the rules at night before bed and reassuring him THEN that his dad will come in to say goodbye in the morning is key.
I would only add that you might want to give him some opportunity to ‘earn’ by doing what you want him to do. Like a sticker chart or something. In other words, make a grid on a piece of paper with like 5 squares across and 5 squares down, if you know what I’m saying. Each morning that he stays in bed until the right time, he gets a sticker (or whatever) to mark off the box and a little treat (couple m&ms, tootsie roll, something he likes,) and then when he fills up a row, he gets a bigger prize/treat (something he wants.) When he fills the whole thing, he gets something bigger still. Make sure you have what he’ll be earning for as soon as he completes the row or chart.
He should get a TON of attention/praise for doing what you want and very little attention toward NOT doing it. So, if he doesn’t stay in bed you aren’t harping about his STICKER and he’s going to MISS IT. You’re just saying, ‘that’s a bummer, I hope you get one tomorrow,’ kind of thing.
When you pitch him the idea of the sticker chart (or whatever you call it,) do it enthusiastically and with a lot of excitement. Let him help you pick out things he wants for complying and following the bedtime rule. In the beginning, it should be easy to earn a sticker, so for the first couple nights, I might give him two reminders to get back in bed and still get his sticker. After that, one reminder (if he still needs it,) down to one and none.
Does this make sense? I should have just emailed you. GAH. Email me if you want to.
xo
I BARELY and only SOMEWHAT have Gabriel sleeping in his own bed, at four. So I have no advice whatsoever, but, hug.
A couple of months ago my son (3) started doing this too. (similar any way). He would wake in the middle of the night crying and screaming for his dad and yelling that he “Doesn’t want Dad to go!”. Over and over. He’s super attached to my husband but I’m not sure what set him off. He did it every night for a few weeks and I was just going mental and then he stopped. I don’t know for sure what started or stopped it. I will say that we made sure that Dad always put him to bed at night. And my husband made sure to tell him that he was going to go to work in the morning and wouldn’t see him (he leaves very early) but that he would be back at night. He also told him that he shouldn’t yell in the night because it wakes everyone up. He was told that every night and after awhile it stopped.