On Friday Michael had an appointment for Occupational Therapy testing that proved illuminating. While he needs some more testing, the OT believes he has low tone, and that is impacting his fine motor skills, which is impacting his ability to do things like cut and use a pencil. Since this preschool is more academic than his old preschool, he is acting out, hence the aggression. We are not going to discuss the fact that the preschool has been rallying against the behavior but never bothered to notice the can can't hold a scissor, a pencil, or sit up correctly at circle time for goodness sake. She did see what she said was some "sensory seeking behavior" but she was not sure she would diagnose him with sensory processing disorder and hey, if he is going to get OT anyway, we can just throw that in.
And that is why he never nursed. He couldn't. (Talk about finally releasing all the mommy guilt 4 YEARS LATER.) And he never crawled, he went straight to walking. And he still won't dress himself, I thought he was just being lazy, but he actually can't do buttons and snaps. And the not riding a bike, he doesn't think he can, so he won't try.
I'm hoping that this is the answer, and we can to put to bed all the ADHD, severely learning disabled concerns the school has put in my head. As for the school, I'm starting to be a little concerned they are killing his self esteem. Michael told me this weekend, "he was dumb" and "he is always a bad boy," things I has never heard him say before. I chose this school because I thought it would be a better fit for my schedule, they had a better pre-k program, and his last school BROKE HIS HAND. But hey, I'd take a broken hand over a broken spirit any day. Broken bones heal. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it is like they are slowly killing the joy inside of him. The change I have seen in him over the past month is heartbreaking.
Doug and I went to see Where The Wild Things Are this weekend, as I'm sure many of you did. And Max reminded me so much of Michael, and I think he was supposed to, I think he was cast to be the "everyboy." But it was his complete and utter sadness that reminded me of Michael. How hopeless he seemed.
I will not have that for my four year old. He is bright. He is charming. He is lovely, and sweet, and a daredevil, and has a smile that could break your heart. I need to bring that smile back. As Max says in the movie, I will be "his sadness shield." I will bring my Michael back.
I start looking at new schools today. And I'm planning on a conversation with his current school as well. Michael will be okay. I'm just not sure I'm ever going to recover. I absolutely cannot watch this without sobbing.