There is something I have avoided talking about here because it feels wrong. It feels inherently like it is Michael's story to tell, not mine. We are getting to the point that at 4, I feel like Michael is entitled to privacy that this blog does not allow. But it is also my story, and the time has come for me to share it.
Michael is having trouble at school. The exact trouble doesn't really matter, but it is not academic in nature. Academically, he is right on target. He is disruptive and sometimes aggressive in class and his school feels as if they can no longer handle him without things like consultants and meetings and evaluations.
I am at a loss as to what to do. The boy they are describing to me is not the boy I know. I have no doubt the incidents they describe are happening, but they do not happen at home. They are looking at me for guidance, and I have none.
I spend my career advocating, and in many respects advocating for children. The time has come for me to advocate for my child, and I do not know how to do it. I know that I do not agree with some of the things the school is doing, or not doing. But I also do not want to develop an adversarial relationship with them. I know we need to work together to solve this problem.
I want them to see Michael for Michael. Not some problem child or difficult child. They have completely discounted the terrible year he has had. Me getting sick, his hand, the four months of stress with the move. I believe that once we are settled for some period of time this behavior may stop. They do not. Yesterday Michael had his first perfect day in a long time, maybe ever. Which leads me to believe this behavior is related to the move, and now that we are settled it is going to get better.
And what if they are right? What if the problem is organic, or medical? And what if I am right and he is just a 4 year old going through a difficult time? I'm not sure it matters who is right and who is wrong, but I know he can not go into Kindergarten with this behavior.
We meet this afternoon. Words can not express how many other place I would rather be.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Kindergarten is still a long way off, I’m sure you will work through this long before then. Good luck today.
Hey–I hope your meeting goes well.
Brynna was in an abusive daycare and we didn’t realize what was going on. Her behavior there got worse and worse and it finally started occurring at home, which is when we realized that something was not right. We fixed the problem (got her the hell out of there) and it took months for the behavior to improve, but it did. Now, two years later, she still has issues that were born of that situation. What I learned from that experience is 1. Listen to your kids, 2. Don’t discount the effect that stress will have on them, 3. Be patient, things improve much slower than they worsen, 4. Don’t let them get away with behaving badly even though you understand and you want to.
I hope that the meeting goes well and things improve. I’ll be thinking about you.
Jodi, you know your kid the best!! Yes, you are prejudiced. Of course! ALL parents are and I fervently believe that we SHOULD be. That said, I don’t think it will blind you from getting Michael a little something extra. Perhaps therapy? A professional someone for Michael to talk to who knows how to get these complicated feelings out of a little kid?
Because, yes – Michael has dealt with a lot in the past year. I have been reading you since the initial, incorrect diagnosis of Lyme disease (remember that?) And yes, your little family has been through the wringer!! Maybe Michael is just having trouble expressing this and needs a little extra help working through it – at 4, their brains and their communication are still developing. After all, kids can be thrown for a loop just changing classrooms! Right.
Jodi – you are an educated, professional, intelligent woman. You are no dummy and I suspect you will do the right thing for your son.
Peace. (and a hug?)
Kelli
Ugh. We are having a similar issue with Harry. He isn’t a problem child; he is a boy that has had his whole world turned upside down in the last year AND he is totally new to the school day routine. His teacher has been an absolute BEAST with him; I know he isn’t perfect but I also know he isn’t a holy terror.
Good luck today, stick to the facts of how much change & chaos Michael has weathered this year. He isn’t a problem, he is just reacting as a four year old. BECAUSE HE IS FOUR.
I didn’t get to comment before but WOW I am so glad the move went well and you’re happy in the new digs. Would bet my last nickel as things continue to settle at home, Michael will take it down a notch at school.
I think you definitely have the right attitude going in that you need to partner with the school because making it adversarial will just make it worse. But, like everyone said, YOU know him best. There is no way at four that he can be two completely different people between school and home. It’s a new school, on top of all the other stressors. There is an adjustment period. Hopefully you can come to an agreement with the school about the best next steps. I am happy that the house/moving stress is over so you can at least focus on this. Maybe it’s a good thing you took this week off?? Good luck this afternoon…
Jodi, I just know what you are dealing with, I’ve been there, done that. I am sure you will go into the meeting with the cold head on your shoulders, and you’ll do just fine being an advocate for your child, while not looking like you are trying to be the school’s ennemy. If they don’t know what all has been going on, make sure you tell them. Also tell them what he’s like at home. In the end, you know your child better than anyone. I hope they realize what all has been going on and they can give him a little more time to adjust. Don’t let them tell you that your child has a problem before they hear what you have to say, and give him some time.
You’ll be fine, and so will Michael!
i agree. you know your child better than anyone. stand firm. know that we’ve all got your back!
xo
The others spoke it better than I ever could. Your little fellow has had a rough year.
All I can say is follow your instincts and don’t let them pigeon-hole Michael. Don’t ever let him believe that he is bad, just that his behaviour is inappropriate.
And whatever happens, don’t let them even go close to the idea of medication. My mom carried down that merry path and her son went horribly horribly wrong. She trusted ‘professionals’ and ignored her instincts and she regrets it to this day.
Hey!!! Long time no comment. I just wanted to wish you luck. I’m not sure if you remember, but I have three special needs kids. I highly doubt that Michael has any issues other than stress, but any type of testing they could do for him would just be extra info for you. You are already an advocate, so you know the drill already, it is just that this time you are the mom. Make sure you have a behavior plan in place. Make sure they know exactly what has been going on in your family’s lives in the past year and take notes on his behavior before any meetings. Also, I keep a CYA notebook. When the school calls, I keep a log of who, what, and where. Take notes on everything. When you call them, make sure you write down why, and who you talked to even if you only leave a message.
And as everyone else has said, you are his expert. Don’t let anyone discount your opinion. Best of luck to you. I’ll be praying for you and Michael.
Oh honey. I think it’s more likely that he’s just four and having a hard time with life changes. Gabriel had some behavioral problems with each move, along with each change in custody agreement, etc.
If it is an organic problem, that will make itself clear as the year progresses, and you can deal with it as it comes up.
I would go into this meeting with the assumption that your family has had a tough year, and that he is four and acting out like a normal 4-year-old.
((hug))
Totally feel for you. We had a horrible situation with my older daughter in 4th grade – both academic and behaviorial. The worse her academics were, the more anxious she became. The school psychologist met with her weekly, we had assessments done, which identified anxiety and depression related to school, not home. I still tear up thinking of that horrible year, seeing the sadness and despair in her big brown eyes as she desperately tried to navigate her way, in a horribly constricting classroom environment where she was afraid to breathe without facing criticism or punishment. The best advocates she had were me and G, so we fought for her every step of the way, working with the school, making sure that her needs were met. The last two years have been much better – any issues have been academic and I continue to advocate for her, to make sure she’s getting the support she needs to succeed.
No one knows your child better than you. Listen to what they have to say, work with the school, but listen to your instinct, too. You know what’s best for Michael. Best of luck to you.
Although it seems counter-intuitive, it is fairly common for kids who are having a difficult time to present one way in school and another way at home. That being said, in my opinion (for whatever THAT’S worth) if it was primarily an organic/medical problem, you’d most likely be seeing it across the board and the school’s description wouldn’t be a surprise to you.
Your instincts about the adjustment difficulties that he may be facing sound reasonable (not to mention LOGICAL) and their (possible? definite?) lack of willingness to consider this idea is frustrating.
Time will tell and perhaps a couple sessions with a play therapist may help your guy get things in order…I hope the meeting goes well and if you feel like you’d want to, you can always shoot me an email.
Thinking of you.
I have said before that I read your posts and think we have parallel lives. My four year old was similar except completely opposite-his behavior was home-not school.We have been in the new place since March and he “settled” around late July. He maintained his cool in school, but he was a wreck at home. It makes for a less complicated situation surely but it was still terrifying and exhausting.
I won’t ramble on, I just wanted you to know I think you are right-it is the move etc.and also it is being four.
We underestimate (by we I mean as a parent and a former educator) sometimes just how dramatically stuff affects kids and that stress manifests itself in all sorts of ways.
Good luck today.
I am almost certain this won’t be an issue by kindergarten, but that doesn’t make it any easier now.
Oh man! I totally feel your pain. Good luck at your meeting and I home it is the only one for you.
Oh man! I totally feel your pain. Good luck at your meeting and I home it is the only one for you.
Oh man! I totally feel your pain. Good luck at your meeting and I home it is the only one for you.
Oh man! I totally feel your pain. Good luck at your meeting and I home it is the only one for you.
very tricky. i hope this all works out soon. we just never know what kids internalize and how.
Oh, poor kid. Poor Jodi. That sucks. We had a similar issue with Little Man. We went to our pediatrician, who is wonderful, and told her our concerns. She referred us to someone to talk to, just us, not him, who agreed with us. Then we took that information to the school, to show that they were being jerks, but it was in the most nice, respectful way, and there was no adversarial thing happening. Might this be an option for you?
No words of wisdom, just nodding along to some of the other comments. He is just four and there has been so much going on that four just doesn’t know how to verbalize. Classrooms, especially at the start of the year can be stressful places with all the rule-barking and new routines. Having an almost 2yo boy in an aggressive phase, I’m kinda glad he’s not in daycare at the moment because I’d be the one getting phone calls for the problem behaviors that are all part of the ebb and flow of things.
Hope the meeting surprises you with good options, information and a map of where to go from here. Sending a virtual hug to Michael and his mom—both doing the best they can after a very long year!
Oy vey. Call me if you need me. This sounds like a mess for everyone. : (