My 3 year old came home from preschool
asking a bunch of questions about marriage. From what I could gather
from the limited information he gave me, a classmate had been absent
for a few days because a parent had recently gotten married, or
remarried, I wasn't sure.
"Mommy, what's marriage? Avery got married. Are you married? Avery
said she has a new family. What's a family?" My first thought was to
answer "when a man and a woman love each other they get married and
then a few years later they have a baby and then they are a family."
And then I thought no. I don't believe that. I'm not telling my son
that.
I live a very traditional life. I got married at 26, to a man that was
30. I went to college, I went to law school, and then I got married.
We waited 3 years and then we had a baby. We are a family. But that
was me, that was my choice.
There are lots of ways to be a family. Lots of couples do not get
married because they cannot, because the law will not let them. They
have children. They are still a family. Lots of couples do not get
married because they do not want to because it is not important to
them. They have children. They are still a family. Lots of couple
are married and do not have children. They are still a family.
Adopted children are the children of their parents. The children. Not
the adopted children, the children.
I refuse to teach my son that there is a right way and a wrong way
to marriage and family and happiness. I stopped myself from giving him
the traditional answer. After some thought I said "when two people
love each other they sometimes get married. Marriage is a choice.
Every day you chose to love each other and be kind to each other like
Daddy and I are. And then Mommy and Daddy had you. And we are a
family. But there are lots of different families. Some families have
two mommies and some have two daddies and some families are only a
mommy and some are only a daddy. All families are full of love.
That's what makes a family. Love."
"Okay Mommy."
And I realized I didn't have to only teach the traditional script
because it was easier. I could rewrite the script. I could make him
understand that families are different and people are different and
what matters is the love. And even though he is 3, and I am sure some
of what I said went right over his head, I hope some of it got
through. And if I say it often enough, it will.
