Legacy

Our first guest post is from Shannon. She is struggling with something I struggle with a lot, being out in blogging, and when to stop putting effort into destructive relationships. This post is heartbreakingly honest.
Jodifur’s invite to guest post on her blog couldn’t have come at a better time. Yesterday while driving around I was going on in my mind about all the shit I wish I could write about. I started forming a post where I talked about how often times I regret going public with my blog. While, it is true I love the direct attention of people knowing I wrote that witty post over there, I hate the boundaries it has set. There is some shit going on in my family lately that I’m just dying to write about. However because my family reads it, and I am in no mood to start world war 76809934er in my family I just keep my mouth shut. Last night I logged into Twitter to see Jodifur offering a chance to guest post and the exact thought that went through my mind was, “Oh you bet your sweet ass I’m going to blog over there, and watch the fuck out because Shannon has some shit to say.” The second thing I did was ask if I was allowed to cuss, because honestly I don’t think I could write a family post with out calling at least one person a mother fucker if you know what I mean. With out further ado, here is my guest post.
Every family has a legacy. When I was younger I always imagined my legacy. It involved diamonds and pearls and fancy laughs tossed over my shoulder at high end dinner parties. We would have big gracious family parties where I would cook and everyone would kick back with a drink in their hand chatting idly away at how I should be the next Emeril.
Instead my legacy is alcoholic, abusive, asshole relatives. The drinking is there, but instead of being relaxed it’s massive drunken arguments. You know the kind only two alcoholics can have at once. Or, even better the kind between an alcoholic and a sober person. There is no fun chatter at the table. Instead there are strained conversations, and the pressure of different family members avoiding others. There is no happiness, only strain.
In my family nothing is simple. For as long as I can remember my grandfather has played favorites. He has two kids and it seems he can only love one at a time. When he makes the choice as to who he is loving this year the other kid and their respective family might as well fall of the earth. This year my mom is the kid on his shit list. And while I personally spent a good 5 years on his shit list all by myself in recent years I’ve actually been the shining star in his life. I’ve been the one to defend him endlessly. I’ve been the one to go see him, call him and email him. I’ve been the one to love him unconditionally. I guess, it’s because I was always taught to love with out conditions. In fact, I gave my son my grandpas name. For a while after beginning his most recent fight with my mom he made attempts to separate that from me. He attempted to pretend he still loved me. At my cousins daughters birthday when we all showed up he ignored my mom but hugged me and chatted lightly with me. We went to lunch and two weeks ago I took Brandon to visit him for a hair cut.
That is why Saturday when he didn’t show up at my sons birthday party with the excuse that he didn’t want to see my mom, it’s safe to say I LOST MY SHIT. He said he couldn’t come because he wanted to avoid confrontation with my mom, yet he attended my cousins daughters birthday just a few months ago. I guess my mistake was forgetting that my cousin belonged to the child my grandpa isn’t mad at this month. Either way I’m mad. While some people in my family choose to say this is normal, that he does this every year and that it will blow over I’ve begun to wonder, “at what point is saving family really worth it?”
I stood in my garage last night and talked to my husband about this. He responded with such things as, “Oh, things will be fine again soon.”, or “Brandon was to young to know he wasn’t at his party maybe you should wait to get mad till he misses an older party,” To which I responded, “why should I ever give him that chance, why should I ever let Brandon know his great grandpa chose not to come simply because he was angry at one of the attendees?”
That’s what this post is about. I’ve always said you should save family. You should fix it at all costs. You should never keep family from your kids because the more people that love them the better. But lately I’ve looked back at my own childhood and remembered all the times my grandpa wasn’t at my party. All the times I had to agonize over guest lists and seating arrangements because my grandpa wasn’t speaking to this person, and my uncle and my mom were fighting and my grandma wasn’t sitting next to my grandpas new wife with all of her fucking diamonds and gold. Jesus just planning the guest list for Brandons third birthday took four months on it’s own. I went back and forth between only inviting people with kids, to only inviting people with kids and close friends, to inviting everyone and then sitting back and watch the cat fights. In the end I invited all but two family members. Now I wonder, where do I go from here? I am mad at my grandpa. My grandma also didn’t attend because she is having beefs with my mom, her son, my grandpa and his wife and basically the whole world in her eyes is wrong.
While I love both of these people my gut reaction is to say FUCK OFF ONE STRIKE AND YOUR OUT. The truth is, there have been many small strikes in the last 3 years but this is the biggest of them all. This time they sent my mommy radar up and they have now brought out the mother hen in me. The one who says, NO! YOU WILL NOT FUCK OVER MY KIDS LIKE YOU DID WITH ME! The mom in me is saying that I’m never going to give these people the chance to fuck with my kids minds. They won’t get a chance to leave my kids wondering if they are on the love or hate list this week.
Am I over reacting? Is family really always worth saving? Am I supposed to let my kids heart get broken like mine has so many times over the last 26 years? Am I supposed to give these people a chance to get mad at my kid over nothing and stop speaking to them for 5 years? My mom and I may have been the family whipping boy over the years but that is one legacy I don’t want to pass down to my kids. And, if I do decide to go the, “fuck you get out of my life route,” how do I go about telling them? Do I write a letter, make a phone call or just stop contacting them all together?
I mean honestly, how do you tell someone, sorry but you’ve screwed me over one to many times? Does your family have a legacy like mine? Are you destined to be fucked over yearly? Were you raised being told, “oh this is just how family is”? At what point do you stand up for your own kids and break the chain? Will I regret this later? I don’t know what to do here but I feel like it’s time for a change. Time for a really big change. It’s time to stand up for my kids the way my family has never stood up for me. What do I do?