I don't want to give too many details about someone else's life, but I need help.
My best friend gave birth to twins at 30 weeks. They are in the NICU and will be in for at least a month, probably two. She had a very rough pregnancy and is having a very hard time.
I keep asking what can I do and she tells me nothing. She doesn't want me to to take her to the hospital b/c I'm not allowed in the NICU. I honestly don't care about that. I offered to bring her dinner over and she said no. Normally I would just drive it there but they are about an hour away and live in an apartment so I can't just leave it in the front door.
I don't want to be obnoxious and call all the time, but she is my best friend in the whole world and I don't know what I can do for her.
I can't relate. Yes, I had a bad pregnancy, but at the end of the day, I took a healthy baby home. There are days she can not even hold her babies.
For those of you that have been there, what did you need? What did people do that really helped you? How often can I call without being annoying?
Any good suggestions out there to let her know I'm here?
Help me help a friend
Previous post: Anybody want to see my letter to United?
Next post: United’s Response
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Leave her alone.
Really.
I was in the exact same situation 7+ years ago. My twins were born at 30 weeks and 2 days and spent over 8 weeks in the NICU.
I could only focus on them. I couldn’t worry about giving people updates, calling people back, answering emails, etc. I just wanted to be left alone. And every, single, one of my wonderful, lovely friends waited in the wings for me to emerge from the NICU hell.
Although one got her friend who was a neonatologist at another hospital to literally walk in and visit my babies. Neither one admitted doing it for about a year. I don’t mind. They were really worried.
So unless you’ve got a neonatologist as a friend you are out of luck. She knows you care. Just wait for her to ask.
Hug.
Leave her alone.
Really.
I was in the exact same situation 7+ years ago. My twins were born at 30 weeks and 2 days and spent over 8 weeks in the NICU.
I could only focus on them. I couldn’t worry about giving people updates, calling people back, answering emails, etc. I just wanted to be left alone. And every, single, one of my wonderful, lovely friends waited in the wings for me to emerge from the NICU hell.
Although one got her friend who was a neonatologist at another hospital to literally walk in and visit my babies. Neither one admitted doing it for about a year. I don’t mind. They were really worried.
So unless you’ve got a neonatologist as a friend you are out of luck. She knows you care. Just wait for her to ask.
Hug.
Leave her alone.
Really.
I was in the exact same situation 7+ years ago. My twins were born at 30 weeks and 2 days and spent over 8 weeks in the NICU.
I could only focus on them. I couldn’t worry about giving people updates, calling people back, answering emails, etc. I just wanted to be left alone. And every, single, one of my wonderful, lovely friends waited in the wings for me to emerge from the NICU hell.
Although one got her friend who was a neonatologist at another hospital to literally walk in and visit my babies. Neither one admitted doing it for about a year. I don’t mind. They were really worried.
So unless you’ve got a neonatologist as a friend you are out of luck. She knows you care. Just wait for her to ask.
Hug.
Leave her alone.
Really.
I was in the exact same situation 7+ years ago. My twins were born at 30 weeks and 2 days and spent over 8 weeks in the NICU.
I could only focus on them. I couldn’t worry about giving people updates, calling people back, answering emails, etc. I just wanted to be left alone. And every, single, one of my wonderful, lovely friends waited in the wings for me to emerge from the NICU hell.
Although one got her friend who was a neonatologist at another hospital to literally walk in and visit my babies. Neither one admitted doing it for about a year. I don’t mind. They were really worried.
So unless you’ve got a neonatologist as a friend you are out of luck. She knows you care. Just wait for her to ask.
Hug.
I’m so sorry for your friend. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
I’m not sure what to suggest after reading soccer mom in denial’s comment. She’s been there… I haven’t. I would just think to let your friend know that you’re there for her… and if she needs you to do anything for her that you are ready to help her in any way. Then leave it up to her.
I’m so sorry for your friend. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
I’m not sure what to suggest after reading soccer mom in denial’s comment. She’s been there… I haven’t. I would just think to let your friend know that you’re there for her… and if she needs you to do anything for her that you are ready to help her in any way. Then leave it up to her.
I’m so sorry for your friend. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
I’m not sure what to suggest after reading soccer mom in denial’s comment. She’s been there… I haven’t. I would just think to let your friend know that you’re there for her… and if she needs you to do anything for her that you are ready to help her in any way. Then leave it up to her.
I’m so sorry for your friend. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.
I’m not sure what to suggest after reading soccer mom in denial’s comment. She’s been there… I haven’t. I would just think to let your friend know that you’re there for her… and if she needs you to do anything for her that you are ready to help her in any way. Then leave it up to her.
I have been there as well. My daughter was born at 31 weeks and we did the whole NICU thing. Really, there is nothing that you can do. It does not hurt to check in on her and the babies via phone from time to time, let her know you are there and ready for whenever she needs to talk/vent, etc. I actually did want to have someone to talk to. I needed to share the progress with friends, I needed the encouragement that the hell we were in would all be fine some day. I needed some normalcy in my life, so I was drawn toward friends and family for support. She is going to be under major stress over the next couple of months (even when they come home) so give her space, check in from time to time just to let her know you are there for when she is ready, and let her guide the way in how much support she needs.
I have been there as well. My daughter was born at 31 weeks and we did the whole NICU thing. Really, there is nothing that you can do. It does not hurt to check in on her and the babies via phone from time to time, let her know you are there and ready for whenever she needs to talk/vent, etc. I actually did want to have someone to talk to. I needed to share the progress with friends, I needed the encouragement that the hell we were in would all be fine some day. I needed some normalcy in my life, so I was drawn toward friends and family for support. She is going to be under major stress over the next couple of months (even when they come home) so give her space, check in from time to time just to let her know you are there for when she is ready, and let her guide the way in how much support she needs.
I have been there as well. My daughter was born at 31 weeks and we did the whole NICU thing. Really, there is nothing that you can do. It does not hurt to check in on her and the babies via phone from time to time, let her know you are there and ready for whenever she needs to talk/vent, etc. I actually did want to have someone to talk to. I needed to share the progress with friends, I needed the encouragement that the hell we were in would all be fine some day. I needed some normalcy in my life, so I was drawn toward friends and family for support. She is going to be under major stress over the next couple of months (even when they come home) so give her space, check in from time to time just to let her know you are there for when she is ready, and let her guide the way in how much support she needs.
I have been there as well. My daughter was born at 31 weeks and we did the whole NICU thing. Really, there is nothing that you can do. It does not hurt to check in on her and the babies via phone from time to time, let her know you are there and ready for whenever she needs to talk/vent, etc. I actually did want to have someone to talk to. I needed to share the progress with friends, I needed the encouragement that the hell we were in would all be fine some day. I needed some normalcy in my life, so I was drawn toward friends and family for support. She is going to be under major stress over the next couple of months (even when they come home) so give her space, check in from time to time just to let her know you are there for when she is ready, and let her guide the way in how much support she needs.
is she staying in the hospital? if so maybe a care package, some snacks some water, some comfy socks, maybe a nice little journal and a good pen!
is she staying in the hospital? if so maybe a care package, some snacks some water, some comfy socks, maybe a nice little journal and a good pen!
is she staying in the hospital? if so maybe a care package, some snacks some water, some comfy socks, maybe a nice little journal and a good pen!
is she staying in the hospital? if so maybe a care package, some snacks some water, some comfy socks, maybe a nice little journal and a good pen!
Been there, done that and honestly, the best thing you can do is give her space. Call every week or so to check in or leave a message letting her know you’re thinking of her and her family but honestly with babies in the NICU there is very little room in her brain or thought process for much else.
You’re a great friend, obviously, for asking the question and I feel sure she knows that, too. Just be there from a distance now and let her know you’re not going anywhere once everyone is home safe and sound.
Been there, done that and honestly, the best thing you can do is give her space. Call every week or so to check in or leave a message letting her know you’re thinking of her and her family but honestly with babies in the NICU there is very little room in her brain or thought process for much else.
You’re a great friend, obviously, for asking the question and I feel sure she knows that, too. Just be there from a distance now and let her know you’re not going anywhere once everyone is home safe and sound.
Been there, done that and honestly, the best thing you can do is give her space. Call every week or so to check in or leave a message letting her know you’re thinking of her and her family but honestly with babies in the NICU there is very little room in her brain or thought process for much else.
You’re a great friend, obviously, for asking the question and I feel sure she knows that, too. Just be there from a distance now and let her know you’re not going anywhere once everyone is home safe and sound.
Been there, done that and honestly, the best thing you can do is give her space. Call every week or so to check in or leave a message letting her know you’re thinking of her and her family but honestly with babies in the NICU there is very little room in her brain or thought process for much else.
You’re a great friend, obviously, for asking the question and I feel sure she knows that, too. Just be there from a distance now and let her know you’re not going anywhere once everyone is home safe and sound.
Really, for us, the frozen premade meals were really helpful. Do you know the apartment manager? Maybe you can leave them with him/her? That way your friend doesn’t have to try to set up a time with you?
Also, had they had the nursery set up? Are these their first babies? My best friend came down from Wyoming and stayed the weekend and took me to Babies R Us and helped me get all the stuff I needed that I hadn’t bought yet – not that she purchased it, she just told me all the stuff I really needed and made the shopping trip go much quicker and easier. And then she cleaned my house, which made me cry, LOL.
So, one thing you could do is, maybe you should tell her you are coming for the day, tell her you are going shopping for them, cleaning, whatever they need you to do for the day and you are either coming to the NICU or to their house, wherever they are and they just need to give you the keys and you’ll be set. Anything where she has to entertain her will probably feel overwhelming, kwim? But if she is not ready, you could help get the nursery ready, or clean, or do grocery shopping – that sort of thing.
And if that won’t do for her, maybe make her a mix CD to listen to at the NICU of pretty music – the alarms can get really overwhelming and some gift cards. But not for restaurants or anything because they won’t be able to go out anywhere public till summer probably because of RSV.
Hope I helped.
Really, for us, the frozen premade meals were really helpful. Do you know the apartment manager? Maybe you can leave them with him/her? That way your friend doesn’t have to try to set up a time with you?
Also, had they had the nursery set up? Are these their first babies? My best friend came down from Wyoming and stayed the weekend and took me to Babies R Us and helped me get all the stuff I needed that I hadn’t bought yet – not that she purchased it, she just told me all the stuff I really needed and made the shopping trip go much quicker and easier. And then she cleaned my house, which made me cry, LOL.
So, one thing you could do is, maybe you should tell her you are coming for the day, tell her you are going shopping for them, cleaning, whatever they need you to do for the day and you are either coming to the NICU or to their house, wherever they are and they just need to give you the keys and you’ll be set. Anything where she has to entertain her will probably feel overwhelming, kwim? But if she is not ready, you could help get the nursery ready, or clean, or do grocery shopping – that sort of thing.
And if that won’t do for her, maybe make her a mix CD to listen to at the NICU of pretty music – the alarms can get really overwhelming and some gift cards. But not for restaurants or anything because they won’t be able to go out anywhere public till summer probably because of RSV.
Hope I helped.
Really, for us, the frozen premade meals were really helpful. Do you know the apartment manager? Maybe you can leave them with him/her? That way your friend doesn’t have to try to set up a time with you?
Also, had they had the nursery set up? Are these their first babies? My best friend came down from Wyoming and stayed the weekend and took me to Babies R Us and helped me get all the stuff I needed that I hadn’t bought yet – not that she purchased it, she just told me all the stuff I really needed and made the shopping trip go much quicker and easier. And then she cleaned my house, which made me cry, LOL.
So, one thing you could do is, maybe you should tell her you are coming for the day, tell her you are going shopping for them, cleaning, whatever they need you to do for the day and you are either coming to the NICU or to their house, wherever they are and they just need to give you the keys and you’ll be set. Anything where she has to entertain her will probably feel overwhelming, kwim? But if she is not ready, you could help get the nursery ready, or clean, or do grocery shopping – that sort of thing.
And if that won’t do for her, maybe make her a mix CD to listen to at the NICU of pretty music – the alarms can get really overwhelming and some gift cards. But not for restaurants or anything because they won’t be able to go out anywhere public till summer probably because of RSV.
Hope I helped.
Really, for us, the frozen premade meals were really helpful. Do you know the apartment manager? Maybe you can leave them with him/her? That way your friend doesn’t have to try to set up a time with you?
Also, had they had the nursery set up? Are these their first babies? My best friend came down from Wyoming and stayed the weekend and took me to Babies R Us and helped me get all the stuff I needed that I hadn’t bought yet – not that she purchased it, she just told me all the stuff I really needed and made the shopping trip go much quicker and easier. And then she cleaned my house, which made me cry, LOL.
So, one thing you could do is, maybe you should tell her you are coming for the day, tell her you are going shopping for them, cleaning, whatever they need you to do for the day and you are either coming to the NICU or to their house, wherever they are and they just need to give you the keys and you’ll be set. Anything where she has to entertain her will probably feel overwhelming, kwim? But if she is not ready, you could help get the nursery ready, or clean, or do grocery shopping – that sort of thing.
And if that won’t do for her, maybe make her a mix CD to listen to at the NICU of pretty music – the alarms can get really overwhelming and some gift cards. But not for restaurants or anything because they won’t be able to go out anywhere public till summer probably because of RSV.
Hope I helped.
I had an early baby. He stayed in the NICU only 9 days. So from that experience I can say, ask her husband or the babies Father, whichever applies.
He is really the one in limbo. Probably still working and relying on your friend for updates and care of the babies.
Also, he might have a better idea of what she needs.
Most people won’t ask for the help they really need. Just jump in and take your cues from him.
I will add their family to my prayer list.
I had an early baby. He stayed in the NICU only 9 days. So from that experience I can say, ask her husband or the babies Father, whichever applies.
He is really the one in limbo. Probably still working and relying on your friend for updates and care of the babies.
Also, he might have a better idea of what she needs.
Most people won’t ask for the help they really need. Just jump in and take your cues from him.
I will add their family to my prayer list.
I had an early baby. He stayed in the NICU only 9 days. So from that experience I can say, ask her husband or the babies Father, whichever applies.
He is really the one in limbo. Probably still working and relying on your friend for updates and care of the babies.
Also, he might have a better idea of what she needs.
Most people won’t ask for the help they really need. Just jump in and take your cues from him.
I will add their family to my prayer list.
I had an early baby. He stayed in the NICU only 9 days. So from that experience I can say, ask her husband or the babies Father, whichever applies.
He is really the one in limbo. Probably still working and relying on your friend for updates and care of the babies.
Also, he might have a better idea of what she needs.
Most people won’t ask for the help they really need. Just jump in and take your cues from him.
I will add their family to my prayer list.