Pass the Wipes Please

Today is the Blog Exchange. Please read Amanda's hysterical post and then click on the link to find me!

Each day my quirks are getting quirkier. Ever since we became parents I have wanted, like most new parents, to provide a safe and clean environment. This isn't to say that I always have the laundry folded or the dishes done, because I don't. I just want a place where our girls can play, sleep, and grow. A start would be no shoes in the house and no fingers where they shouldn't be. I don't think it's too much to ask.
A while back Briar discovered the magic circle under the tails of our cat and dog, also known as their "boo boo" –
(Talking about the anus.)

"No honey, mama said don't touch."
"No, put your fairy wand away, that will hurt the kitty."
"Honey, no.
"Barnaby doesn't want that in there."
"Leave the dog's boo boo alone."
"Honey, mama said no, if you do that again Ella won't be able to go poopin' in the backyard."
"STOP. Mommy said no touch!"
"Owie. It hurts. It hurts a Ella in'air."
"That's right honey, touching Ella there could hurt her in there."

I tried establishing a "No Shoes on in the House" rule.
Sean made this wonderful little sign with a stamp print of Avery's 30 minute old foot and put it on the front door.

Would you mind taking off your shoes?
"Oh, ok. Oh look, Ella. Hi baby dog."
"Aw, could you just take off your shoes, and please, don't say hello to Ella yet I have to put her in—"
"Ella, Ella, Ella. I love you so much Ella!" This being said with dancing, stomping feet.
"Please stop, I need to take her–"
Damnit, too late. She peed on the floor.
"Oh, that's ok, c'mere sweetie. Let's go in the kitchen."
"But. Your shoes. Please."

And instead of removing them they fast tiptoe across the floor. What the hell? Moving faster is going to make the 87,000 different kinds of fecal matter, oily street funk and who-knows-what-else not smear across the floor? If you tiptoe does that somehow counteract the fact that your hundred and fifty plus pounds of human being is pressing down upon your outside shoes on our inside floor? Do you want to lick that? Do you understand that our children will? Do you not care at all about what I am asking? Can you please help me not to explode and scream with all the rage I am feeling towards you right now?
Cut to the corner of the room and witness the dog burying her face in her canine lady parts, smacking her lips and then licking our daughter's face.
"Gawd, Ella stop it. Sean. Damnit. She's licking. She, aw, gawd."
It is a never-ending, exhausting, and ultimately losing battle that I am waging. The fact is no one else worries about what the kitty is tracking when he hops on the kitchen counter and walks delicately, tiptoes even, from one end of the counter all the way across the oven, past the sink and over to the far end where he jumps across the kitchen and on to the butcher block.
"Sean! He's up there again! Why won't he listen?"
"Honey, he's gonna get up there. Cats walk on counters."
"I realize that in other people's homes it is fine for cats to walk on counters, but damnit he turned a chipmunk inside out, licked his anus at length and drank from the toilet today. And those are only the things that I saw first hand, God knows what he did for the other 18.5 hours. I just don't want that on our counters."
I am quite aware that my vehemence borders on Bill Murray in Caddyshack territory, but my daughter bites her nails, I cook on those counters and we roll on those floors. To hell with it, call me quirky. All I ask is that the people coming into our house have the decency to allow me to chase my own Quixotic dreams in my house. Say what you want when you leave, shake your head, be offended I really don't care, but damnit take your shoes off and swat the damn cat if you see him on the counter.
This post was written by Amanda, when she's not coloring Dora and the Princesses or shooing the cat off the counter, she can be found writing at Tumble Dry. Pop over there today to get your daily dose of Jodifur. Thanks to her for letting me guest author, and thanks as always to Kristen for putting this crazy, wonderful Blog Exchange together each month. Be sure to check out the other posts listed at Kristen's place!